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From: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Nominally single????
Message-ID: <457@rti-sel.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 10-Oct-85 16:19:42 EDT
Article-I.D.: rti-sel.457
Posted: Thu Oct 10 16:19:42 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 12-Oct-85 08:21:23 EDT
References: <285@whuts.UUCP> <533@oakhill.UUCP> <286@whuts.UUCP>
Reply-To: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Distribution: net
Organization: Research Triangle Institute, NC
Lines: 54
Summary: 

In article <1063@trwrdc.UUCP> frith@trwrdc.UUCP (Lord Frith) writes:

>> Obsessive longing for a shattered relationship and the feeling that
>> life has lost its savor without that special person are not signs of a
>> healthy mental state, folks. After a mourning period one gets on with
>> one's life. You might ask yourself WHY you fear the single state and
>> are unhappy spending time with yourself.
>
>Now WAIT a minute!  Loss of one's love is NOT the same as fearing the single
>state!  Also, this recognition that "life has lost its savor" is a perfectly
>healthy thing.  Better to recognize it and come to grips with these feelings
>than to supress them.  

I believe the need people are talking about originates in fear: the
fear that one can't make it on one's own, the fear that one will never
have another relationship like the one that's missing, etc. I wasn't
denying that the feeling that life has lost its savor is normal;
what's NOT normal is that feeling continuing beyond a finite period of
mourning. And I think the belief that such continued obsession is
normal is dangerous.

>You might say, "well yes but OBSESSIVE depression or
>longing for a shattered relationship is unhealthy."  I would agree only
>if these feelings led to self-destructive behavior.  A melancholic state,
>CAN be a healthy and meaningful thing.

If obsession isn't self-destructive behavior, what is?

>> Because that's what the verb 'need' implies in this context: a feeling
>> that you MUST have a relationship for life to be meaningful.
>
>Wrong wrong wrong.  This feeling of loss indicates the need for this one
>person and NOT the absence of a relationship in general.  Your viewpoint
>sounds much like the style of pysch that says  "You need X because you
>fear Y."

I wasn't talking about the feeling of loss, I was talking about the
feeling that one MUST HAVE (i.e., 'needs') a relationship and trying 
to analyze the reasons why some people have this feeling. 
 
>All negativsms.  Item 4 is quite valid though.  After all..... love IS
>a dangerous drug.

Of course they're all negativisms; that was the point of my listing
them. I repeat my challenge: can you come up with some POSITIVE 
interpretations of the belief that one MUST HAVE a relationship?

====================================
Language is a virus from outer space
And hearing your name is better than
Seeing your face   (L. Anderson)
====================================

                                        -- Cheers, Bill Ingogly