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From: rlr@pyuxd.UUCP (Rich Rosen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Request for text of "You never expect the Spanish Inquisition"
Message-ID: <1887@pyuxd.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 15-Oct-85 21:05:11 EDT
Article-I.D.: pyuxd.1887
Posted: Tue Oct 15 21:05:11 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 17-Oct-85 00:49:05 EDT
References: <785@rlgvax.UUCP>
Organization: Whatever we're calling ourselves this week
Lines: 165
Keywords: It's NOBODY expects...

> For most of my adult life, I have somehow felt something missing in
> my life.  Perhaps it is because I do not have a copy of the text
> to "The Spanish Inquisition."  If someone out there on the water
> would be kind enough to send it here to my terminal, my life would
> be somehow more complete.

MAN:
"Trouble at mill."

WOMAN:
"Oh, what kind of trouble?"

MAN:
"One a'th' crossbeams gone out askew on treadle."

WOMAN:
"Pardon?"

MAN:
"One a'th' crossbeams gone out askew on treadle."

WOMAN:
"I don't understand what you're saying."

MAN:
"(SIGH) One of the cross beams has gone out askew apparently on the treadle."

WOMAN:
"Well what on earth does that mean?"

MAN:
"Well, *I* don't know, Mr. Wentworth just told me to come in here and say
	there was trouble at the mill, that's all.  I didn't expect a kind
	of Spanish Inquisition."

[JARRING CHORD; THREE SPANISH CARDINALS IN RED BURST INTO THE ROOM]

CARDINAL XIMINEZ OF SPAIN:
"NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise,
	surprise and fear, fear and surprise---our TWO main weapons are fear
	and surprise---and ruthless efficiency---our THREE main weapons are
	fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical
	devotion to the Pope---our FOUR... no...  AMONGST our weapons---
	AMONGST our weaponry ARE such elements as fear, surprise, I'll come
	in again.

[EXIT AND EXEUNT]

MAN:
"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

[JARRING CHORD; THEY REBURST INTO THE ROOM]

CARDINAL XIMINEZ OF SPAIN:
"NO-body expects the Spanish Inquisition!  AMONGST our weaponry are such
	diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
	fanatical devotion to the Pope, and a nice red uniform DAMN! Biggles,
	I can't say it, you'll have to say it.

CARDINAL BIGGLES:  (an otherwise normal Spanish Cardinal in red except that
			he is wearing WWI flyer's goggles atop his head)
"What?"

CARDINAL XIMINEZ:
"You'll have to say the bit about 'our chief weapons are...'"

CARDINAL BIGGLES:  (he also has a British accent and not a Spanish one)
"I couldn't do that, uh..."

[EXIT AND EXEUNT]

MAN:  (distraught, for the third time)
"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition."

[JARRING CHORD; CARDINALS RE-ENTER]

BIGGLES:
"Er... Nobody... um..."

XIMINEZ:  (behind BIGGLES whispering into his ear)
"Expects."

BIGGLES;
"Expects... Nobody expects the... um... Spanish..."

XIMINEZ:  (impatiently)
"Inquisition."

BIGGLES:
"I know, I know.  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, in fact those who
	DO expect..."

XIMINEZ: (interrupting)
"Our chief weapons are..."

BIGGLES:
"Our chief weapons are... um, er..."

XIMINEZ:
"Surprise."

BIGGLES:
"Surprise and..."

XIMINEZ: (interrupting)
"OK, stop.  Stop.  Stop there.  Stop.  Phew!  AH! ... Our chief weapon is
	surprise---blah blah blah.  ...  Cardinal Fang, read the charges!


CARDINAL FANG:  (in a very obscure and unearthly accent)
"Ee-you are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against
	the Holy Church."  [STARTS SINGING IN A MUMBLING MANNER ALOUD]

XIMINEZ:
"That's enough!  [TO THE WOMAN]  Now, how do you plead?"

WOMAN:
"We're innocent."

XIMINEZ:
"Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  [CAPTION:  'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER']
	Weee'll soon change your miiind about THAT!  [CAPTION:  'DIABOLICAL
	ACTING']  Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless OOOOOOOOOOOHH!  Now,
	Cardinal, the rack!"

[BIGGLES PRODUCES A PLASTIC DISH RACK; XIMINEZ CLENCHES HIS TEETH AND TRIES
	TO COVER HIS ANGER]

XIMINEZ:
"You... right!  Tie her down!  [THE OTHERS ATTEMPT TO TIE HER TO THE DISH RACK		OR VICE VERSA]  Right!  How do you plead?"

WOMAN:
"Innocent!"

XIMINEZ:
"Ha!  Right!  Cardinal, give the rack {oh dear}, ... give the rack a turn."

BIGGLES: (stands there awkwardly and shrugs)
"I..."

XIMINEZ:
"I *know*, I know you can't.  I didn't want to say anything, I was trying
	to ignore your crass mistake.  ...  It makes it all seem so stupid."

BIGGLES:
"Shall I..."

XIMINEZ:
"No, just pretend for God's sake!"

[BIGGLES SCOFFS WITH HIS OWN VARIETY OF DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER AND SHEEPISHLY
	TURNS AN IMAGINARY HANDLE ON THE SIDE OF THE DISH RACK.]
--------------------------------------

Then there's the part about the soft cushions and the comfy chair if anyone's
actually interested.

By the way, lest you actually believe I know this all by heart, I was ably
assisted by a copy of "From Fringe to Flying Circus" by Roger Wilmut
(1980, Eyre Methuen).
-- 
"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day
 to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human
 being can fight and never stop fighting."  - e. e. cummings
	Rich Rosen	ihnp4!pyuxd!rlr