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Path: utzoo!linus!philabs!cmcl2!seismo!rlgvax!trwrdc!frith
From: frith@trwrdc.UUCP (Lord Frith)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Nominally Single???
Message-ID: <1071@trwrdc.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 16-Oct-85 10:13:05 EDT
Article-I.D.: trwrdc.1071
Posted: Wed Oct 16 10:13:05 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 18-Oct-85 21:18:00 EDT
Reply-To: frith@trwatf.UUCP (Lord Frith)
Organization: TRW Advanced Technology Facility, Merrifield VA.
Lines: 72


>>> Obsessive longing for a shattered relationship and the feeling that
>>> life has lost its savor without that special person are not signs of a
>>> healthy mental state, folks...
>>
>> Now WAIT a minute!  Loss of one's love is NOT the same as fearing the single
>> state!  Also, this recognition that "life has lost its savor" is a perfectly
>> healthy thing.  Better to recognize it and come to grips with these feelings
>> than to supress them.  
>
> I believe the need people are talking about originates in fear: the
> fear that one can't make it on one's own, the fear that one will never
> have another relationship like the one that's missing, etc.

That's not what I read above.  The feeling of loss that you describe as
unhealthy is due to the loss of a particular relationship and not the
absence of a relationship in general.  In other words, the need and
feelings of loss are for that single individual and NOT based upon the
fear that you will unable to find a suitable surogate.  Each person and
relationship is unique.  Once finished....  that relationship is ended
forever.  When something this precious is lost it should come as no
surprise that there is an extended period of morning or even scars that
cannot be forgotten.

> I wasn't denying that the feeling that life has lost its savor is
> normal; what's NOT normal is that feeling continuing beyond a finite
> period of mourning. And I think the belief that such continued
> obsession is normal is dangerous.

That depends on what is truly normal, or to be more precise... what is
truly healthy.  If the feeling of loss can linger for a week... a
month...  a year.... then it can linger for even longer periods of
time.  To say it isn't "normal" isn't saying much.  What is normal?
Who is to dictate what is normal and how long feelings of any kind
should last?  What is normal is what is.

> If obsession isn't self-destructive behavior, what is?

Obsession is not always self-destructive.  The popular public opinion of
the obsessed person is someone who is driven.... derranged.... ready to
sacrifice ALL for his neurotic psychosis.  You know... like Bruce Dern.

> I wasn't talking about the feeling of loss, I was talking about the
> feeling that one MUST HAVE (i.e., 'needs') a relationship and trying 
> to analyze the reasons why some people have this feeling. 
 
Maybe because it IS a valid feeling.  Perhaps these people are geared
in such a way that they NEED external companionship.  This isn't
unreasonable considering that we are social creatures.  The question
is, "is this behavior healthy?"  I guess that depends on the individual.
Remember that in one way or another we all NEED each other.

> Of course they're all negativisms; that was the point of my listing
> them. I repeat my challenge: can you come up with some POSITIVE 
> interpretations of the belief that one MUST HAVE a relationship?

By this I might conclude that you think Sex is necessarily a negative
thing because so many people NEED it.  Or that love is an unhealthy
thing because so many people say they NEED their loves.

I think the problem here is in the word NEED.  I'm sure that for every
NEED that people have you can find umpteen zillion negative motiviations
for that need.... and virtually no positive aspects to it.  This is a
problem in the psychology of NEEDS and not so much in the NEED for an SO.
-- 

seismo!trwrdc!root				- Lord Frith

"And I want you"
"And I want you"
"And I want you so"
"It's an obsession"