Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site rti-sel.UUCP
Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!bellcore!petrus!scherzo!allegra!ulysses!burl!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!rti-sel!wfi
From: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Nominally single???? (Need of another)
Message-ID: <482@rti-sel.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 16-Oct-85 12:45:27 EDT
Article-I.D.: rti-sel.482
Posted: Wed Oct 16 12:45:27 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 20-Oct-85 07:39:01 EDT
References: <285@whuts.UUCP> <533@oakhill.UUCP> <286@whuts.UUCP>
Reply-To: wfi@rti-sel.UUCP (William Ingogly)
Distribution: net
Organization: Research Triangle Institute, NC
Lines: 68
Summary: 

In article <410@boulder.UUCP> jon@boulder.UUCP (Jon Corbet) writes:

>	If, on the other hand, one admits the notion that the presence of
>another person can bring an additional joy to one's life, that said person
>can smooth out the low points in life, then it seems to me that one admits in
>some form the idea that another person is needed, if life is to be fully
>enjoyed.

Consider a person like Mother Theresa, or anyone else who has
dedicated his/her life to helping the unfortunate. There are other
ways to achieve full enjoyment and fulfillment in life than through
a relationship with an SO, I believe. Since we're social beings, we
NEED other people; I'm not denying that. But I do deny that one needs 
a sexual/love relationship to be fully happy in life.

>	To me, this implies a certain degree of detachment from the person
>with whom one is supposed to be in love.  One who is reasonably secure in
>one's self can maintain a certain emotional distance from one's lovers; then
>one does not feel so devastated if the relationship fails.  This is
>something I am having to do now (despite lingering doubts about how secure
>I really am...).  Maybe you have learned something I haven't; I know of no
>way to do this and still love as deeply.

I don't really think it's a matter of keeping one's "cool" in a
relationship; one can fully experience passion in a love relationship
without abandoning one's good sense. And a shattered relationship
always hurts; it's how constructively one DEALS with the hurt that's
important, I think.

Anyone who decides to sign a marriage certificate without considering
the potential breakup of the relationship and its allied legal and
financial ramifications is a fool, for example. Being in love is no
excuse for abandoning one's ability to reason.

>	My experience has been that there is a height of joy in life that I
>have only felt through the love of another.  I live for that sort of joy.
>I don't *need* another to be happy with life, but, so far, I do to feel
>*that* happy.  The sudden departure of the source of that kind of happiness
>can make life look very bleak, for a while.

Apologies if I offend anyone's sensibilities with this, but the
sensation of orgasm is one of the most intensely pleasurable physical
sensations the organism is capable of. Evolution/God (pick your
favorite) has come up with an extraordinarily effective mechanism for
getting nervous systems to engage in reproductive behavior, n'est-ce
pas? Now imagine that it would be possible to experience this height
of pleasure continually, 24 hours a day. Would you choose to do so? I
certainly wouldn't: the intensity of orgasm for most humans is, I
think, enhanced by the experiences that precede and follow it. It
ain't as much fun without the dating, getting to know someone, the
pleasant evening and the foreplay, and waking up the next morning to
watch the sun rise together. Human experiences are, I think,
pleasurable in context, butted up against contrasting experiences (not
all of them as intense or pleasurable). Love would not be nearly as 
enjoyable if its intensity never lagged and picked up again, I think. 
You fall in love with someone, then the intensity of the experience 
decreases. But all of a sudden you see your partner turn in the light 
a certain way, or s/he says something that reveals a new strength or 
vulnerability, and Bingo: the feelings intensify back to where they 
were when you first met. After a relationship like this breaks up, 
everyday experiences can acquire a poignancy they don't ordinarily
have. For me, this can focus my attention on experiences I'd otherwise
ignore, and is an important part of getting through the mourning
process. It's a matter of learning to appreciate the little things
again for their own worth and stop measuring them against the
overwhelming intensity of the sensations that accompany what we call
love.
                     -- Cheers, Bill Ingogly