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From: terry@nrcvax.UUCP (Terry Grevstad)
Newsgroups: net.women
Subject: Re: Name Changes ("traditions that have evolved" disappearing)
Message-ID: <327@nrcvax.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 10-Oct-85 01:50:51 EDT
Article-I.D.: nrcvax.327
Posted: Thu Oct 10 01:50:51 1985
Date-Received: Tue, 15-Oct-85 10:33:43 EDT
References: <5211@elsie.UUCP> <11302@rochester.UUCP>
Reply-To: terry@nrcvax.UUCP (Terry Grevstad)
Organization: Network Research Research Corp.  Oxnard,CA
Lines: 77
Summary: 

arnold@ucsfcgl.UUCP (Ken Arnold) says:
>
>Is a 7 year marriage a great accomplishment?  I don't know.  I suppose
>it depends on the people.  But what the point you seems to have
>overlooked or misread in my letter is that people, particularly women,
>died young in older days. 
>
>So what has happened, in general, is that the divorce rate has
>increased, and the death rate has declined, and the affect on longevity
>of any single marriage has about evened out.  What this could indicate
>is that it is not reasonable to expect the average marriage to last any
>longer than it does today.  It's just that now one can get out of a
>marriage without waiting for some natural event to kill off your
>spouse.


Hey, you are forgetting something here.  Mortality was not the only
this which caused less divorce in the past.  There was also the fact 
that most organized religions of that time period
frowned on divorce, so divorced people were left out in the cold socially
because in many cases, church was the only social contact a family
had with other members of a community.

Also, there was no welfare program.  A wife with children really
couldn't leave her husband because she couldn't afford to take care of
the kids, unless she had rich family she could turn to or a respectable 
profession she had been trained for (highly unlikely).  And, at that
time, the father was more than likely to get custody of any children
in a court battle because any woman who *wanted* to leave her husband
was probably a wanton.

But, there is another facet you are also forgetting...  People then
*believed* in marriage until "death do you part" and they prayed hard
that death did not them part until they were old and gray.  They
*wanted* to stay together--not just economically, socially, and
religiously HAD to stay together.  A lot of people just don't believe
in marriage any more--making it impossible for them to stay happily
married.  And I find this incredibly heartbreaking.

I knew a couple once who actually planned their divorce before they
got married.  They decided that she would buy a
washer/dryer/refrigerator and he would buy a car/stereo/tv before the
marriage, so that when/if they got divorced they wouldn't have to
worry about community property laws because they had owned everything
previous to getting married.  Needless to say, their marriage lasted
just a little more than one year.  They had planned their divorce
right into their marriage.  How sad.  They had removed even the last
vestiges of reasons to *try* to make a marriage work.

Yes, I am married.  Have been for almost 5 years.  No, we haven't made
it to the 7 year mark yet, but we will.  We have lots of good examples
to look back on.  My grandparents on both sides have been married for
60+ years.  His grandparents on both sides are the same.  My parents 
are looking at their 36th anniversary coming up, and my husband's are
somewhere in the 30's also.  This is my first marriage.  His second
(his first wife kicked him out to invite her boyfriend to live with
her).  We *believe* in marriage.  We *want* it to work, and most
importantly, we are willing to work as hard as we have to to *make* it
work.  Yes, we've had our problems, and there are times when divorce
would have been an easy way out, but "easy ways" don't allow you to
learn and grow from hard experiences.  And I love my husband more now
that I ever did when we got married.

Anyway, this is degenerating into personal testimony of marriage, if
anyone wants to hear that they can send me email.  Sorry this got so
long.

-- 
\"\t\f1A\h'+1m'\f4\(mo\h'+1m'\f1the\h'+1m'\f4\(es\t\f1\c
_______________________________________________________________________

                                                       Terry Grevstad
                                         Network Research Corporation
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