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From: becky@cylixd.UUCP (Becky Bates)
Newsgroups: net.women
Subject: Re: what makes you feel feminine/masculine?
Message-ID: <390@cylixd.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 17-Oct-85 12:14:32 EDT
Article-I.D.: cylixd.390
Posted: Thu Oct 17 12:14:32 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 19-Oct-85 04:55:26 EDT
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> >I first picked the example of a brother-sister relationship, because it 
> >excludes the explicit sexual posturing of most male-female relationships.
> >This allows a more "pure" examination of the interaction of masculine
> >& feminine personality traits and character attributes.  
> 
> This brings up a point I'm really interested in.  The sexual posturing
> of most male-female relationships.
> 
> For me, I find that it gets in the way.  I have many (at least several)
> rewarding relationships with women that do not inlcude sex.  The problem
> is that there is still sexual posturing.  I admit there are times I enjoy
> what I call 'sexual tension' but usually I find that it somehow limits
> our possibilities.
> 
> This syndrome causes the most problems early in a friendship, before both
> people are sure where things are headed.  I suppose this is natural when
> the possibility of sex still exists, but I wish it didn't.  It is as if
> the first option is always sex, and then if that won't work one looks to
> a "platonic" relationhsip.  
> 
> Got to go, but I'd like to ask "do women feel this way to?"  obviously
> women dont' think as a class so this is a poll.
> 
> Peter B

Dear Peter B. I am experiencing some of the same emotions and experiences
that you mentioned above.  I  have a friend now that I am very attracted
to but told him that I cannot see developing a serious relationship with
him.  I want to continue our friendship but find it hard to not express
my sexual feelings as well. We have been through a lot together and
can talk like close friends, its the same as my female friends when
we talk about our problems, etc.  I guess sex always comes up in a 
relationship and there are people that I have met that I do not parti-
cularly care to even kiss.  I guess it can be very frustrating because
I want very much to stay friends with my male (buddy) but the attraction
we have for each other gets in the way, so what do you do? Do you stop
seeing each other because you cannot just be friends, I have had this
problem always with men who have become friends after the initial
attraction.  I think becoming friends before, if possible, anything
else is the key.  I am learning that I can have a friendship with a
male that I love and not be in love or develop anything beyond that.
My friend is learning the same thing and it is nice growing in this
friendship together.  I believe that honesty above all else is necessary
in any kind of friendship, whether it be a love relationship, a 
co-worker friendship, whatever. 

I wish the "sexual-tension" problem did not exist either because it
is very hard to be friends with the opposite sex sometimes because
of this.  I have had several friends in my club that are males and
I feel no sexual tension there, I avoid any display of attracting
someone and stick to subjects that will not arouse any thoughts of
sex. I guess my answer is yes to you posting, that women have the
same problem with feeling tension in friendships that involve the
opposite sex but you can have friendships.

(R.) (B.)