Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.3 alpha 4/15/85; site loral.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!ittatc!dcdwest!sdcsvax!sdcc3!sdcc6!loral!jlh From: jlh@loral.UUCP (Desperatly seeking happiness) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: twas the night before.... Message-ID: <969@loral.UUCP> Date: Wed, 4-Dec-85 19:52:06 EST Article-I.D.: loral.969 Posted: Wed Dec 4 19:52:06 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 7-Dec-85 16:23:20 EST Organization: The bottom of a bottle Lines: 153 T H E N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S --------------------------------------------------- Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Were empties and butts left around by some louse. And the best quart I hid by the chimney with care, Had been swiped by some bum who'd found it there. My guests had long since been poured in their beds To wake in the morning with God - awful heads. My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap And me - I was dying for one more nightcap. When out from the lawn there came such a smell I sprang to my feet to see what the hell- Away to the window I tore like a flash Fell over the table - broke a chair with a crash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe. And what to my wondering eyes should show up- But eight bloated reindeer - hitched to a beer truck. With a little old driver who looked like a hick I saw it was Santa - as tight as a tick. Like General Grants Tanks - those reindeer they came And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name. On Schenley - On Seagram, we ain't got all night You too Haig and Haig - and you Black and White. Scram up on the roof get the hell off this wall, Get going you dummies - we've got a long haul. So up the roof went reindeer and truck But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck And then, in a twinkling I heard from above A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove. And I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear. He was dressed in furs - with no cuffs on his pants And the way the guy squirmed - I guess he had ants. His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy. He had pints and quarts in the sack on his back And a breath that would blow a train off the track. He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite. He spoke not a word but went straight to his work And missed half the stocking -- the plastered old jerk! Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose-- He gave me the bird - and up the chimney he rose. He sprang for his truck at so fast a pace He fell over his feet and slid on his face. But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight -- Merry Christmas you rum-dumms -- Now really get tight! THE 1981 NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS 'Twas the night before Christmas, and one thing was clear- That old yuletide spirit no longer was here; Inflation was rising; the crime rate was trippling; The fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling; I opened a beer as I watched the TV, Where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie; The kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should; Or else they were stoned, which was almost as good. While ma with her ball-point pen was making a fuss 'Bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us; "Those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist; "Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!" When out in the yard came a deafening blare; 'Twas our burglar alarm, and I hollered,"Who's there?" I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night, And, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight. Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense Was caught in our eight-foot electrified fence; He called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!" Said I, "If you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!" But, lo, as his presence grew clearer to me, I saw in the glare that it just might be he! I called off our doberman clawing at his sleigh And, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's okay." I led him inside where he slumped in a chair, And he poured out the following tale of despair; "On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling, But now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling." "You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year, And without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer; Although I would like to continue to use them, The wild life officials believe I abuse them." "To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by And told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky; I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections, And bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections." "Last April my workers came forth with demands, And I soon had a general strike on my hands; I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves, So the missus and I did the work by ourselves." "And then, later on, came additional trouble- An avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble; My Allstate insurance was worthless, because They had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause" "And after that came an I.R.S audit; The government claimed I was out to defraud it; They finally nailed me for 65 grand, Which I paid through the sale of my house and my land." "And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare Flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air; Not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread, Taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead." "My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings, I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings. And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight, It's from flying too close to a nuclear site." He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh, And I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye; "I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat, But I fear that today I've become obsolete." He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh, And these last words he spoke as he went on his way; "No longer can I do the job that's required; If anyone asks, just say,'Santa's retired!'" Rewritten without permission of course.