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From: pooh@unirot.UUCP (Pooh)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: RE3: being attached
Message-ID: <203@unirot.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 14-Nov-85 11:06:19 EST
Article-I.D.: unirot.203
Posted: Thu Nov 14 11:06:19 1985
Date-Received: Sun, 17-Nov-85 05:49:17 EST
References: <681@ihlts.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: The Soup Kitchen, Piscataway NJ
Lines: 92
Summary: jumping to conclusions makes for good exercise.

In article <681@ihlts.UUCP>, rainbow@ihlts.UUCP (Robert) writes:
> 
> >If a guy talked for a long time WITHOUT mentioning his wife/SO,
> >I'd either wonder if they lived in the same state or suspect that he
> >was actively trying to cover up his status.  
> 
> And I suppose if I neglect to mention my job, you assume I don't have one
> And I suppose if I neglect to mention my parents, you assume they are criminals
> And I suppose if I neglect to mention my hobby, you assume its raping women
> And I suppose if I neglect to mention where I live, you assume its a slum

If you are married and don't mention your spouse at all during a long
conversation (during which we are supposedly getting to know each other),
yes, I would wonder why not.  If you are attached to someone in a
legal, social and emotional way, s/he should be a big part of your
life.  

Let's see, you haven't talked about your job, your family, anything
you did in the past. . .we're doing a hell of a lot of sharing, aren't
we?  Tell me, Robert, what do YOU talk about to someone you're trying
to get to know well?  Particle physics?  Fuzzy dice?

By the way, when I first met someone I later got involved with,
about six years ago, I found out he had three brothers, but one
of them was rarely mentioned; when he was mentioned, he was never
mentioned by name.  I found out later that it was because he had
shot and killed a teacher a year before that and was now in a
mental hospital.

When you don't say something, it is often louder than when you
do.

> Come now, this is bordering on an extreme state of paranoia. Any assumptions
> you make are at your own risk. No one is obligated to dump their entire life
> story upon people they meet. That would be silly. I can just see it now.
> Two people meet and each one goes through a prepared ten minute speech
> covering their complete backgound. Cute. It just might work. Cuts through
> all the red tape real quick.

Proof by exaggeration is no proof at all, Robert.

I did not say that anyone was OBLIGATED to dump his ENTIRE LIFE STORY
on a complete stranger.

I don't know about you, but when *I* meet someone and would like
to get to know him (and the feeling is mutual), we start exchanging
thoughts and feelings, most of which are rooted in something in our
background.   I'm not used to this traffic; you see, I'm originally
from Texas.  Oh, really?  What brought you to New Jersey?  I was
offered a job by someone I met over the net.  What about you?
I went to school at Rutgers, and then met someone I wanted to stay
with, so I ended up staying here.  It didn't work out, but I haven't
felt like moving anywhere else, so. . .

Here we have these tidbits of information:

one person is from Texas, presumably a small-town person if
s/he doesn't like a little bit of traffic; also reasonably unattached
if s/he moved for a job (but this isn't always the case; find out
later)

the other went to college, had a committed relationship, and is
no longer attached.

That's what I call getting to know each other.  Cocktail party
small talk bores me silly:  We finally found out that the core
dumps weren't due to the tape. . . Do you mean that recipe doesn't
have any eggs in it? . . . I can't believe the price of auto
insurance. . .

> The key point to all this is, why should it be taboo
> to ask about someone's SO? I see no difference.

Because some people see it as "desperation" when you
come up to someone you've just met and ask, "Do you have
an SO?"  As I said a while back, it usually isn't necessary;
people let me know one way or the other within a short time.

> Since when do people neglect to ask others about information they would
> like to know? It doesn't make sense to quietly wait and hope the 
> other person discusses the topic of your interest on their own initiative. 

Okay, Robert--why don't you go out, then, and find an attractive
woman in the supermarket.  Ask her, "Do you know if mangoes are in
season?" and then, "Do you have a boyfriend?"  Let me know what
happens.

Cheers,
Pooh         topaz!unipress!pooh
             topaz!unirot!pooh

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.