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From: laura@l5.uucp (Laura Creighton)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: sensitivity
Message-ID: <279@l5.uucp>
Date: Sat, 23-Nov-85 17:58:53 EST
Article-I.D.: l5.279
Posted: Sat Nov 23 17:58:53 1985
Date-Received: Wed, 27-Nov-85 05:15:09 EST
References: <1933@zehntel.UUCP> <3850033@csd2.UUCP> <218@unirot.UUCP>
Reply-To: laura@l5.UUCP (Laura Creighton)
Organization: Nebula Consultants in San Francisco
Lines: 41

In article <218@unirot.UUCP> pooh@unirot.UUCP (Pooh) writes:
>
>Have you ever noticed how much "being honest" resembles
>dodging responsibility for others' feelings?
>
>(I can just see the wave of responses from the "pro-Choice,"
>"self-actualized" group:  "But I'm NOT responsible!" . . .
> Q.E.D.)
>
Hmm. I don't think I know what ``self-actualized'' is, so I'll pass on
that one, but I flunk your other test.  Still, if I could only communicate
one thing to people it would be that they are not responsible for other 
people's feelings.  You are responsible for what you do, and they are
responsible for their feelings about it.  You may come to an agreement whereby
they decide that they do not want to change their feelings and you decide
that you  want to change your actions, but then ... you are still responsible
for what you do and they are still responsible for their feelings.

This business of ``I can't do anything about my feelings'' is false 
helplessness.  You *can* do something about your feelings.  It may be a great
deal of work, adnd it may be something that you do not want to do, and all
that may be entirely fine --- but that means that you like your feelings
and reactions the way that they are now, not that you can't do anything
about them.

The business of ``you make me angry'' or ``you make me miserable'' and so
on comes from Guilt-Tripper's United -- we make 'em, we give them to you.
It is possible to live your life in an ever shrinking box because your
every action ``causes'' someone else to freak out and get upset.  The way
out of the box is to discover that the freaking out is *not* caused by
you.  At that point you can realise that you don't have to modify your
behaviour to suit everybody else's sensibilities -- you get to choose
what you do and they get to choose how they feel about it.

yours for less guilt,
Laura

-- 
Laura Creighton		
sun!l5!laura		(that is ell-five, not fifteen)
l5!laura@lll-crg.arpa