Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.1 6/24/83; site umcp-cs.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxt!houxm!ihnp4!qantel!lll-crg!gymble!umcp-cs!israel From: israel@umcp-cs.UUCP (Bruce Israel) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: sensitivity Message-ID: <2322@umcp-cs.UUCP> Date: Sat, 23-Nov-85 18:49:53 EST Article-I.D.: umcp-cs.2322 Posted: Sat Nov 23 18:49:53 1985 Date-Received: Wed, 27-Nov-85 05:54:08 EST References: <1933@zehntel.UUCP> <3850033@csd2.UUCP> <218@unirot.UUCP> Reply-To: israel@maryland.UUCP (Bruce israel) Organization: U of Maryland, Computer Science Dept., College Park, MD Lines: 52 In article <218@unirot.UUCP> pooh@unirot.UUCP (Pooh) writes: > >Have you ever noticed how much "being honest" resembles >dodging responsibility for others' feelings? Well I'll bite. I agree that "being honest" can be used as a method of avoiding responsibility for others' feelings (I won't address the issue on whether we actually are responsible for them, since we've had this discussion before and I think we are on the same general wavelength but at odds over words and semantics). I don't see that happening a whole lot, however. It's a lot easier to say things that people want to hear and to avoid conflict in that fashion than to be honest with people. It really depends on what your goals are. If your goal is for them to feel good in your interaction, then yes, be nice to them, sacrificing honesty for your goals. If instead your goal is something else, for example getting them to do something about their life, or to realize something that will assist them in the future, then trying to avoid hurting their feelings is not going to assist you in accomplishing your goal, and in fact can get in the way of that. There really are two issues here; what you say, and how you say it. "What you say" is where honesty comes in, and "how you say it" is what usually tends to hurt their feelings. This isn't necessarily the case all the time, and obviously a communication (even an honest one) that your listener doesn't want to face is a communication that won't get received and is a communication that is better off not getting delivered. I personally consider honesty to be very important in communication, but it doesn't have to be delivered in a harsh way (though its possible that in some cases a harsh delivery could do more to have the communication received than a kind delivery). For example, I thought "Bird Dog"s communication on the content of net.singles was honest (for him), but his delivery made him out to be an arrogant, insensitive <***>. If his goal was to get attention and people angry and flaming at him, then it succeeded. If it was to cause people to actually examine their lives to see if what he said was true, and then to do something about it, then I think it failed horribly, and his delivery got in the way of that. My point is that, yes, people's feelings are important, but there are other goals also involved that may not be compatible with making sure that they are feeling good. -- Bruce Israel University of Maryland, Computer Science Dept. {rlgvax,seismo}!umcp-cs!israel (Usenet) israel@Maryland (Arpanet)