Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP
Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site unc.unc.UUCP
Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!bonnie!akgua!mcnc!unc!goodrum
From: goodrum@unc.UUCP (Cloyd Goodrum)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: sensitivity
Message-ID: <652@unc.unc.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 27-Nov-85 01:43:33 EST
Article-I.D.: unc.652
Posted: Wed Nov 27 01:43:33 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 28-Nov-85 07:56:53 EST
References: <1933@zehntel.UUCP> <3850033@csd2.UUCP> <218@unirot.UUCP> <279@l5.uucp>
Reply-To: goodrum@unc.UUCP (Cloyd Goodrum)
Organization: CS Dept, U. of N. Carolina, Chapel Hill
Lines: 65
Summary: 

In article <279@l5.uucp> laura@l5.UUCP (Laura Creighton) writes:
>
>This business of ``I can't do anything about my feelings'' is false 
>helplessness.  You *can* do something about your feelings.  It may be a great
>deal of work, adnd it may be something that you do not want to do, and all
>that may be entirely fine --- but that means that you like your feelings
>and reactions the way that they are now, not that you can't do anything
>about them.
>

	This is partially true. When this discussion about being responsible
for one's emotions was going on (and on and on :-) before, there was one
very important point that was not brought up. It's been my experience that
you can't do a lot about your emotions by trying to do something about them.
It's a lot like trying not to think about elephants. If someone tells you not
to think about elephants, all you're going to be thinking about is elephants
and how you're not supposed to think about them.
	Likewise, if you keep thinking "I shouldn't be depressed" or "I've
got to stop being angry", more likely than not you'll think about your 
depression or anger and whatever is causing it.
	So what do you do?? I've never found a better solution than just
waiting. And while you're waiting, you should try not to nurse your negative
emotion. That IS something you can take responsibility for. Instead of thinking
about whatever's bothering you, think about C code or Elizabethan history
or your favorite aunt or anything else you find interesting. You can't think
about two things at once.

>The business of ``you make me angry'' or ``you make me miserable'' and so
>on comes from Guilt-Tripper's United -- we make 'em, we give them to you.

	Good point. If you can't do anything about your emotions, you can
choose not to heap a lot of blame and guilt on whoever hurt you. People
seldom wrong you as badly as you think they did, and giving a person a lot
of grief usually makes them want to hurt you more.

>It is possible to live your life in an ever shrinking box because your
>every action ``causes'' someone else to freak out and get upset.  The way
>out of the box is to discover that the freaking out is *not* caused by
>you.  At that point you can realise that you don't have to modify your
>behaviour to suit everybody else's sensibilities -- you get to choose
>what you do and they get to choose how they feel about it.
>

	This applies a lot of times, but not all the time. You've just got
to use a little sense. If you constantly belittle someone or make cutting
remarks about their B.O and black stubby teeth :-) you've got to assume 
they're going to get upset. On the other hand (and I assume this is what
you're talking about) some people are so hypersensitive that you can't 
say ANYTHING without offending them. If you allow them to "put you in an
ever shrinking box" you'll just hurt yourself without helping them to
get over their hypersensitivity. Like you said:
> you are still responsible
>for what you do and they are still responsible for their feelings.


>yours for less guilt,
>Laura
>
>-- 
>Laura Creighton		
>sun!l5!laura		(that is ell-five, not fifteen)
>l5!laura@lll-crg.arpa

Guiltily yours,
	Cloyd Goodrum III