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Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!qantel!lll-crg!seismo!caip!unirot!pooh
From: pooh@unirot.UUCP (Pooh)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: sensitivity
Message-ID: <221@unirot.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 26-Nov-85 22:14:25 EST
Article-I.D.: unirot.221
Posted: Tue Nov 26 22:14:25 1985
Date-Received: Fri, 29-Nov-85 08:05:36 EST
References: <1933@zehntel.UUCP> <3850033@csd2.UUCP> <218@unirot.UUCP> <2333@umcp-cs.UUCP>
Organization: The Soup Kitchen, Piscataway NJ
Lines: 63
Summary: uh, your fly is open. . .

In article <2333@umcp-cs.UUCP>, israel@umcp-cs.UUCP (Bruce Israel) writes:
> 
> This goes back to what I said in my posting about whether he is
> receptive to my communication and assistance?  If he isn't receptive,
> then obviously I shouldn't assist him since it won't do anything
> anyway except maybe get in the way of our relationship.  If he is
> receptive, though, shouldn't I help him out?  Wouldn't I be a better
> friend if I helped pull him out of his "shit", than if I just let him
> sleep in it until he asked me for help?

My answer is:  no.  You would be a better friend by minding your own
business and letting HIM decide when he wanted help.

> Here's a hypothetical situation for you, Pooh.  
> I make
> quite an entrance to this party, and all eyes are on me.  I revel in
> this attention, but what I don't notice is that everyone is snickering
> behind my back.  You, being my  friend, know that I don't mind being
> laughed at if I'm clowning or joking around, but absolutely hate for
> people to look down on me or to laugh at me otherwise.  (It's really
> true!! :-( ).  Now, I haven't asked you for any help or advice (Of
> course not; I don't realize that anything is wrong).  Now remember,
> you are my friend. 
> 
> . . .   Quick!!!!  What do you do?   . . .

I ask the other people, in private, to stop laughing at you.

This lets you wear your combination if it pleases you, and still
lets me do something to keep your dignity.  Otherwise, I would let
you wear whatever you liked, and if you found that you didn't like
being laughed at, you could ask me if I knew why, and I would tell
you.

> You can either spare my feelings by keeping quiet, in which case I'll
> probably wear my favorite new outfit all over the place.  Or you can
> tell me that it doesn't go together, at which time I'll get really
> depressed that I made such a fool of myself in front of all these people.

Or I can do what I can to spare your feelings, and at the same time
not make judgements about what you should or shouldn't be wearing.

> We shouldn't; but I also feel that we shouldn't make "being
> considerate for another's feelings" be such a No. 1 priority that we
> avoid solutions that would work better for the person we are helping
> just because they conflict with 'manners'.  For example, if yelling at
> a friend "Goddammit, you fucking idiot, look at the mess you are
> making of this situation!!!" gets him actually looking at what is
> going on with an eye toward doing something about it more than "Excuse
> me, but do you realize that you just ..." then I feel that the first
> behaviour is warranted in that situation.

Again, I ask:  why?  Why should we take it on ourselves to tell
someone that he's "fucking up" a situation?  Why don't we let him
have the dignity of finding it out himself and deciding for himself
whether he's making a mistake?

Pooh                 topaz!unipress!pooh
                     topaz!unirot!pooh

When you've seen one indoor shopping facility, you've seen
 the mall.
              (K^2)