Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site bbnccv.UUCP Path: utzoo!decvax!wanginst!bbnccv!rfradenb From: rfradenb@bbnccv.UUCP (Roger Fradenburgh) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Phone Co. Tall Tale (longish) Message-ID: <1099@bbnccv.UUCP> Date: Thu, 12-Dec-85 19:01:21 EST Article-I.D.: bbnccv.1099 Posted: Thu Dec 12 19:01:21 1985 Date-Received: Fri, 13-Dec-85 02:23:44 EST Distribution: na Organization: Bolt Beranek and Newman, Cambridge, MA Lines: 88 As every past or present employee of ATT or the now-divested Operating Companies knows, Mother Bell and her offspring are SERIOUS about SAFETY, sometimes to the point of being unintentionally comical (I once attended a safety meeting at which we were instructed in the proper manner of sitting down in and arising from office chairs and the safe use of staple removers... really!). Following is the text of a "letter", dated November, 1970 and typed on Illinois Bell stationery, that was no doubt composed with this fact in mind: PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL To: District Construction Supt. - East On the threshold of a New Year, I felt the following details of a Canada Bell accident might inspire you and your people to strive for a safer 1971. Employee Joseph Gosshawk, the driver of a Company vehicle, was parked on a gentle slope in Willowdale. He had a passenger; Mr. Milker, his Supervisor. Both were wearing hard hats in accordance with Company regulations. Gosshawk glanced to his right to check round the vehicle before driving off, and accidently hit his Supervisor in the mouth with the beak of his hard hat, knocking out the latter's false teeth. The teeth struck the hand-brake, releasing it, and came to rest behind the foot-brake pedal. As the vehicle started to move backwards down the slope, Mr. Milker reached behind the brake pedal to retrieve his dentures. Gosshawk at this moment stamped fiercely on the brake pedal. The Supervisor received a severe bite on the dorsal surface of his right hand and sustained three broken fingers. Although Gosshawk had acted promptly in his effort to bring the vehicle to an immediate stop, the cry of agony from his Supervisor caused him to release his foot from the brake. On its further downhill movement, and before Gosshawk ultimately arrested its progress, the vehicle struck a cable splicer, Gordon Witherspoon, who was standing over an open manhole with a ladle of molten lead. The molten lead spilled into the manhole onto the private parts of another cable splicer, Giovanni Lascagnia, who was urinating into a pair of boots. The sudden application of molten lead to Lascagnia's private parts caused the latter to lose his aim, and a stream of chianti-saturated urine fell onto the exposed splice, burning through the paper insulation and shorting out 489 pairs of cable. Unfortunately, these 489 pairs were Ontario Hydro's alarm and telemetering circuits. This apparently indicated a catastrophic overload at the Control Centre, causing the Southern Ontario Power Grid to shut down. The switch to emergency power at Toronto Toll introduced sufficient transients into the SAGE system for NORAD to interpret them as a massive attack from Russia. NORAD immediately launched an equally massive counterattack. In the ensuing conflict, the Hogg's Hollow and Highway 401 bridges were destroyed by a direct hit on the Jolly Miller's men's toilet. During this time, Gosshawk drove Mr. Milker and Lascagnia to a hospital and then attempted to return to his Work Centre headquarters, but found both bridges missing. It then being 5:00 PM, he (on his own initiative) drove the Company vehicle home. Nothing having been seen of the other cable splicer, Witherspoon, for three days, a search was instituted, and he was subsequently found in the manhole where he had conscientiously jumped to repair the cable. It appears that Gosshawk had, in accordance with Company regulations, replaced the manhole cover. When Witherspoon attempted to remove the cover, he found that an Army tank had parked on the manhole during the troop movements. He was taken to the hospital, suffering from asphyxia, having been exposed for three days to the fumes from Lascagnia's salami and garlic lunch and two piss-filled boots. The Accident Investigation Board reviewed the aforementioned facts, and awarded Gosshawk one day's suspension for taking a Company vehicle home without permission. It commended Witherspoon for his noble attempt to effect repairs to the cable. The Committee observed that the whole affair could have been avoided if Mr. Milker had used stronger denture adhesive. On the subject of Lascagnia's injury, which has rendered that unfortunate individual impotent, the Committee has not yet reached a decision. Yours for a safe and healthy New Year. (unsigned, as you might well expect :-)) Copies to: District Plant Managers District Construction Supts.