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From: vijay@uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: selection of unix commands
Message-ID: <9900402@uiucdcs>
Date: Tue, 17-Dec-85 17:27:00 EST
Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.9900402
Posted: Tue Dec 17 17:27:00 1985
Date-Received: Thu, 19-Dec-85 05:30:12 EST
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Nf-ID: #N:uiucdcs:9900402:000:2789
Nf-From: uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU!vijay    Dec 17 16:27:00 1985




>  This is part of a local UNIX tutorial that one of the secretaries
>  at the university of Illinois prepared to help the new secreataries get
>  aquainted with UNIX:

Some esoteric UNIX commands which are of profound value to the user:

command		function
=======		========

hairballs	lists all the people to avoid in the lab

ego		lists the lab's profesional staff

buzz		cup of coffee gets delivered to yur desk

free		makes the hour your lunch hour

clock		sets all the clocks in hte building to the time you
		wish it to be

boil		scrolls all things that have irritated you in hte past
		5 working days

outofhair	your professor immediately leaves town

bs		prints your professor's list of publications

quiet		your telephone automatically forwards to Dial-a-Prayer

party		the system assign someone to have a birthday, bakes a cake,
		and calls everyone to the lounge

necesary	scotch gets delivered to your desk
		(Note:	for a fine, aged scotch, the appropriate glass,
			and ice, you must type
				necesary w/glass
			otherwise you will get J & B and a paper cup)

expletive	lists all four letter words you wish you couldent
		(Note: to clear the screen immediately afterwards type
				expletive -c )

supermom	the system cleans the house, feeds the dog, cooks dinner,
		does the laubdry, and process your "dress for success"
		suit for the following day

fix supermom	automatically invokes the "necessary" command whenever
		there is a bug in the "supermom" command

screwup		all the printouts in your trash can disintegrate

bigbucks	your salary automatically doubles (this command may
		not be invoked more than 10 times a day)

bigtits		this command function in the same manner as the
		"bibbucks" command, except that the there is no limit
		on its use (a companion command, "sag", prints a size
		chart which correlates the "bigtits" command result with
		the suuport which will be needed

flipoff		when used with a login name, this command displays a graphic
		hand gesture on the screen of the specified login name (the
		command "fu" executes the same function)

crash		the system crashes so you have an execuse for taking a long
		lunch hour

hammer		this command, used with a login name, bludgeons the
		corresponding person with a hammer.  (This comand is
		mostly invoked by graduate students.  The six-year
		prison term gives them a quiet place in which to write
		their theses.)the corresponding person.  (Invoked mostly by female support
		personnel against sexist males on the system).
		NOTE:	to get a list of sexist males on the system use the
			command "pig"

gotohell	your resignation is sent, via computer mail, to the
		appropriate personnel
		NOTE:	It is often beneficial to concatenate the
			"gotohell" command and the "flipoff" (or "fu")
			command.