Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83 based; site hound.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxt!houxm!hound!ganns From: ganns@hound.UUCP (R.GANNS) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: obnoxious roommates I have known Message-ID: <1582@hound.UUCP> Date: Fri, 27-Dec-85 18:21:17 EST Article-I.D.: hound.1582 Posted: Fri Dec 27 18:21:17 1985 Date-Received: Sat, 28-Dec-85 04:38:26 EST Organization: AT&T Bell Labs, Holmdel NJ Lines: 152 To celebrate the end of yet-another-year-shot-to-hell I would like to submit, for your amusement and instruction, the following case histories of roommates I have had (honest!). 1. "Mad Bomber". E.R., alias the "Mad Bomber" first shattered the peace of my world in the fall of 1967 when we were assigned a common dormitory room at what was then called Humboldt State College, located north of Eureka, California. The "dormitory" was in fact a large house trailer which housed up to 16 bodies, 8 on each end with double-decker bunks and a communal bathroom. The Bomber was officially majoring in Marine Fisheries, but in reality was majoring in duck hunting, pyrotechnics, and dune buggy engineering. We (the rest of the roomies) knew we were in for a treat when the Bomber produced a pile of firecrackers which he propelled over the roofs of several other trailers using a slingshot (the load was put into the slingshot, drawn back and aimed, then lit with a cigarette held in the mouth, then shot); this was done out the bathroom window, and the Bomber was so good he could put round after round right onto the RA (dorm supervisor) trailer porch. It took many infuriating months for the RA to finally catch him and expell him from the dorms. The Bomber took his revenge in many ways too horrible to mention, but while he was with us, he won our undying love and respect by : A. littering the trailer floor with engine blocks, cylinder heads, rotting duck carcasses, pools of oil, and vast heaps of soiled and mouldering laundry; B. indulging his favorite hobbies at the dining commons, such as putting 8-inch long yellow banana slugs in the salad bowl, cherry bombs with cigarette time-fuses in the sand ash trays (bomb buried except for smouldering butt) C. when the Bomber went shopping, he liked the feel of a shopping cart handle under his palms -- so much so, that he found it hard to release his grip even when still holding the cart handle with his arm out the window of his speeding 1958 Buick Roadmaster; eventually he let go. D. The Bomber also got a kick out of what a syringe full of battery acid could do to the wardrobe of a particular roommate who he did not get along with; E. When the Bomber got really bored, he would repeat the famous experiment on the acceleration of gravity first done at the "leaning tower of Pisa", only the Bomber used ball bearings for falling bodies, and substituted an overpass over Hwy 101 for the Pisa tower; F. The Bomber was big and liked to fight; he found a quick and easy way to get right down to the nitty-gritty -- he simply looked for someone with an "electric" (hair style same as an "Afro", but worn by a caucasian male),walked over, took out his butane lighter and started the guy's hair on fire; often, an entire Saturday evening's entertainment was provided simply by following the Bomber around, at a distance of 50 - 75 yards. Most of us tried to stay on the Bomber's good side. 2. "Ahab, Mama, and The Green Weenie": AAhhhhh, delightful trio. One term spent in the trailer subject to the Bomber's tender mercies convinced me that it was time to move off campus. What I had in mind was a nice cool, sophistocated, well-located pad where a select few could indulge in the finer things in life without hassles. What I got was : A. Ahab, so-called because the beard he sported resembled that worn by Gregory Peck when he played Captain Ahab in "Moby Dick"; otherwise, the only resemblance was a distinct lack of mental balance. Ahab belonged to the "Party-'Till-You-Puke" school of thought; come to think of it, so did I. But that's about all we had in common. Ahab's plan was to drink himself senseless every afternoon, pass out on the couch while, if possible, starting at least one fire with his cigarette butts, eventually flunk out and join the Marines; before he did this, he contributed to the holes punched in the cieling with a 6-foot long 4"X4", the rancid chili dumped into the cooling coils of the refrigerator, and the gallon of molten parafin rubbed into the living room carpet; Ahab was a practical joker, and knew the landlord would get some good yocks out of that one. B. The Green Weenie, so-called for his fondness for concealing rather large zuchinnis in odd places on his person (for the amusement of whoever happened to be passing by our picture window), was the dirty dishes and blues-played-loud-enough- to-crack-glass specialist; GW could dirty every single dish, plate, pot, and pan in the apartment in less that 5 minutes to the accompaniment of John Lee Hooker at enough decibels to vibrate the plaster off the cieling; one of GW's pals went down in local history when, after downing a few too many glasses of infamous Red Mountain wine, barfed straight up and left his own abstract rendering of the Sistine Chapel on the cieling. C. Mama: R.C. was known as Mama becuase he kept trying to get everyone to clean up after themselves; mama finally came to the conclusion that if you can't beat'em, join 'em, and having studied some form of karate for a number of years, developed as a specialty a unique form of furniture rearrangement; when it got to the point that it was impossible to enter the apartment through the front door because it was blocked by debris (neither could one walk through the living room), we took to entering our respective bedrooms through their windows, to the amusement of our neighbors, especially late at night after the consumption of several six-packs of beer . 3. "Ardub": R.W. was, without a doubt, the most revolting roommate I have ever had. Ardub worked in a clothing store, and in lieu of doing laundry (we had a working washer and dryer) he preferred to pilfer new clothes from his place of emloyment. The dirty clothes were left on his bedroom floor, usually over a layer of chicken bones, week-old pizza, half-empty beer bottles and god-knows-what-else; this stratification process proceeded for several months until his bed disappeared beneath the detritus; when Ardub went to bed, he worked his way into the pile much like a large rodent might burrow into a heap of rags. Unfortunately, Ardub's bedroom was located adjacent the main living room, and I had to resort to extraordinary measures to keep the smell out of the living room; odor control proved to be an insurmountable problem, especially when Ardub removed his patent-leather shoes; Ardub had what we called "stinkfoot". Every time the rent or any other common expense bill was due, a major campaign had to be mounted to find Ardub and squeeze the money out for his share; often this meant trying to find him at work; he had a habit of leaving the floor of the store when the urge struck him and heading across the street for a toot at a local bar. Ardub was an all-around filth generator, and had in addition, several specialties including an inability to defecate without liberally smearing the result all over the toilet seat. I couldn't figure out how he did it, and finally had to ask: he didn't know either. He had a talent for turning a freshly cleaned living room (an investment of several hours of my time) into a pig stye in record time. When he wasn't spreading filth from one end, he was spreading it from the other: the carpet required frequent shampooing (by me) to remove vomit, ground-in cigarette butts, stale beer, and substances which are probably best not mentioned here. He frequently invited over an obnoxious gaggle of like-minded cronies who took turns among themselves discharging various fluids onto my clean carpet, usually to the accompaniment of blaring stereo, T.V., hoots and hollers, and generally done past midnight; I had some unpleasant confrontations with him and his buddies with no love lost. Ardub was proud of the fact that he never washed a single dish while he was living there; he moved out without notice owing back rent and a utilities share which I never got; I didn't care -- at that point I would have gladly paid him to leave. He was the only roommate I ever seriously considered shooting. But I guess I'm getting intolerant in my old age, and so I tend to live alone these days. Cheers and Happy New Year -- Rich