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From: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: sensitivity
Message-ID: <1865@utcsri.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 28-Dec-85 12:07:19 EST
Article-I.D.: utcsri.1865
Posted: Sat Dec 28 12:07:19 1985
Date-Received: Sat, 28-Dec-85 13:42:03 EST
References: <14145@rochester.UUCP> <1849@uwmacc.UUCP> <1892@hao.UUCP>
Reply-To: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto
Lines: 57
Summary: 

In article <1892@hao.UUCP> woods@hao.UUCP (Greg Woods) writes:
>
>  I think the real problem in that whole discussion was the meaning of the word
>"choose". I think the "can't choose" crowd (as you call it) was getting a 
>little angry because of confusion over what was meant by "choose". I suspect
>they imagined someone consciously deciding "OK, I'm going to feel good today".
>I think you are right that choosing to ACCEPT how you feel (as opposed to
>resisting it or wishing you didn't feel that way) is much closer to the mark.

	True.  My experience has always been that refusing to accept your
actual feelings often forces you to invent a rationale to support your
stance of refusal.  Often what happens is that you must exert so much energy
supporting this facade that you end up rationalizing yourself into a state
where you are expending an increasing amount of energy to "complete the
canvas", that is to supply all the missing details of your false self-
perception.

	I have noted that people often get *really* depressed when
confronted with irrefutable evidence that their false self-image is, in
fact, false.  You can't really hide from yourself forever.

>Think of it this way: suppose you feel bad, and you spend a lot of energy
>wishing you didn't feel bad or wishing that what is causing you to feel bad
>had not happened. How do you suppose *that* will make you feel?

	Right on!  Anyone who tries to do this is attempting the impossible:
They are trying to change the past.  Don't think "in reverse".  If you made
a mistake in the past, look for the knowledge of how learning from that
mistake can help you not do it again in the future.  If you were wronged
by another person, realize that that action of that person is likely a
reflection of that person's personality.  The next time (if there is a next
time) you encounter that individual you will better understand what to
expect from him/her.

>On the other
>hand, suppose you simply decide to accept the fact that what happened, happened,
>and that you feel bad about it. How does *that* make you feel? No, it is not
>an instant cure for depression but it seems obvious that the latter approach
>would lead to feeling less bad and for a shorter time. In this light
>it would seem we DO have at least *some* control over our feelings. However,
>I don't think anyone really wants to say that you can decide not to feel
>depressed and suddenly *poof* you feel good. It doesn't work that way. If it
>did, why would anyone choose to feel bad? They wouldn't, of course. 
>Conclusion? No one has instant full control over their feelings, but I think
>we DO have a choice in how we *react* to our feelings which in turn does
>have *some* influence over how we feel.

	It doesn't just stop there.  While you can't say to yourself
"Be happy", you can *choose* to think happy thoughts.  Try this sometime
when you are feeling unhappy.  Think of a happy event or someone whose
memory is positive.  I guarantee you that you will instantly feel more
positive as the memory is recalled.  Why do you think that we try to
humor people who are depressed.  Even severely depressed people will
feel happier when their minds are filled with happy images.
-- 
Ray Allen  | "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."
utcsri!ray | - Oscar Wilde as quoted in "Parachutes & Kisses" by Erica Jong