Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/18/84; site utcsri.UUCP Path: utzoo!utcsri!ray From: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: sensitivity Message-ID: <1888@utcsri.UUCP> Date: Fri, 3-Jan-86 13:08:42 EST Article-I.D.: utcsri.1888 Posted: Fri Jan 3 13:08:42 1986 Date-Received: Fri, 3-Jan-86 13:21:50 EST References: <14145@rochester.UUCP> <1849@uwmacc.UUCP> <1892@hao.UUCP> <362@l5.uucp> <266@unirot.UUCP> <1870@utcsri.UUCP> <270@unirot.UUCP> Reply-To: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen) Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto Lines: 60 Summary: In article <270@unirot.UUCP> pooh@unirot.UUCP (Pooh) writes: >In article <1870@utcsri.UUCP> ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen) writes: >> Excuse me if the above statements sound inflammatory. I am >>not trying to bake anyone but I am trying to point out that >>depressed, unhappy individuals often try to force everyone else >>to share their misery while self-fulfilled, confident individuals >>will try to help others help themselves. By the way, I don't approve >>of preaching. I never offer advice unless it is asked for. > >I'm not sure whether you can accuse someone of trying to make >you as miserable as he is. Does anyone go around with that conscious >intention? Actually I have encountered many people whose attitude towards others is: "Well, I am an unhappy person who is not getting what I want out of life so I am going to try to ruin everyone else's happiness by swamping them with stories of my own misery, criticizing and denigrating any successes that they may have, continually reminding them of how it is impossible to be happy, etc. etc." Have you ever (for instance) told a friend about a date you had that you really enjoyed and the *first* thing that they could think of to say was something like: "Just you wait. All men are the same. He'll lead you on and use you and then toss you away." The most reasonable conclusion that I can draw from statements like this is that this person does not want you to derive any pleasure from your experience. This certainly does NOT take away from the friend who says: "Gee, he sounds like a really nice guy. I hope that both of you continue to have a good time." >I think it's more that someone who is depressed would >like to have his feelings acknowledged and empathized with. >Unfortunately, empathy means feeling the same thing, so we tend >to accuse someone of wanting us to be depressed too. I think >you CAN share someone's feelings, say, "Wow, that's really awful, >it must be very frustrating for you," and NOT let it affect your >own mood. I agree that this is sometimes the case. Everyone is going to experience depression or unhappiness from time to time. I, personally, would not shun anyone who asks me for comfort at times like these. I do find, however, that some people are only interested in using me as a sounding board for their own problems. They never listen to what I say and, consequently, never have the opportunity to derive any comfort therefrom. As usual, we have another "black and white" style argument. By this I mean that we are trying to look at an issue in a very limited number of ways. In fact there is an infinite number of variations of human behavior between any two (or more) extremes. Actually, this is one big problem with USENET. If I (or anyone else) posts an article supporting or discussing a particular view of some general situation, it appears that everyone else (well not everyone ... see I do it too!) assumes that that opinion is the only one that is supported by me. Since there are always going to be other facets to the argument some rabid-minded individual(s) is(are) going to react in a knee-jerk fashion and flame left, right and centre. (I'm not accusing you of this, Pooh). This is my $.02 contribution to the discussion about non-face-to-face communication. -- Ray Allen | "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." utcsri!ray | - Oscar Wilde as quoted in "Parachutes & Kisses" by Erica Jong