Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site ellie.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!bellcore!decvax!tektronix!uw-beaver!cornell!bullwinkle!rochester!ritcv!rocksvax!rocksanne!sunybcs!ellie!geller From: geller@ellie.UUCP (James Geller) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: The Mail Users Users Guide Message-ID: <753@ellie.UUCP> Date: Thu, 16-Jan-86 20:49:19 EST Article-I.D.: ellie.753 Posted: Thu Jan 16 20:49:19 1986 Date-Received: Mon, 20-Jan-86 06:08:01 EST Distribution: net Organization: SUNY/Buffalo Computer Science Lines: 117 The mailusers-user guide ------------------------ No this is not a mail user-guide. But a guide to mail users. The following profiles of mail users are to be taken generic. Joe F. Don't even try to send him mail. He hasn't read his mail in months, because he has 2000 messages in the mail queue. However he refuses to erase everything and start new. And he'll expect everybody else to read his mail. Carl K. If you feel lonely, just send mail to him. He replies to every letter with at least 3 different answers, and he puts you on his universal alias for all people that ever sent him mail. In the future you will know what and where he ate for dinner, whether he enjoyed it, and also other things of Carl's life that are less important for your graduation. Tom B. He reads his mail one time every two weeks. He also never includes the messages he replies to, and he never includes any subject line. He is the guy who will reply to the mail message "The third World War started" with a one word "Why" answer, given 10 days after the fact. Fred L. He is very polite. He replies to every mail with a thank you note that is guaranteed free of any information or content. If you ever get into mail contact with him, your mail redundancy will grow by 50%. The only thing that helps is the famous "cleanbox" prgram that removes all his mail at .login time. Ina B. She is the mail gossip. Beware of her. She hates Clyde E. Clyde E. Clyde has the habit to forward any mail to everybody who has his name mentioned in a specific letter. He does not discriminate whether the mail is for the mentioned person, about that person or against that person. He has started some formidable fights by forwarding Ina B's letters. Ann F. Ann is on all mail aliases and mailing lists of CSNET-land. And she carefully archives all the letters she receives. She is not nosy, she just wants to know everything. The system operator is already considering to assign her a quota, or at least limit her to one disk. But he does not dare to do that. Ann has too much mail about him in her archives. Lory K. Lory is a math major. She has a program that computes all possible permutations of all login names. And she has an alias for every permutation. Recently she found out that her alias file is much longer than all the letters together that she ever sent out. But hope is near. She has just proven a theorem (by induction) that the order of the names in the aliases is irrelevant. That should help. Jerry F. No, you cannot call Jerry a hacker. Just because he has his own mail program (version 548.12) does not mean anything. Of course, his new mail program has a lot of fancy features. It has an intelligent filter for incoming mail that automatically erases only the mail that Jerry is not interested in. But AI in mailing is also helpful for other purposes. His ingenious calendar program composes new years and birthday wishes and mails them automatically at the right date. Jerry does not even know many of the people he is mailing best wishes to. Cora P. She does not know how to read mail. She can happily ignore all the calls to meetings, workshops and other things and concentrate to work for her courses. This is very important, because she wants to graduate soon and go to IBM to design user friendly office information systems. -------------- UUCP : {cmc12,hao,harpo}!seismo!rochester!rocksvax!sunybcs!geller ...{allegra,decvax,watmath}!sunybcs!geller CSNET : geller@buffalo ARPA : geller%buffalo@csnet-relay BITNET : geller@sunybcs US MAIL: James Geller/ Dept. of Comp. Sci./ SUNY at Buffalo/ 226 Bell Hall/ N.Y. 14260 This letter is solely the opinon of my left brain hemisphere. It does not necessarily express the opinion of my right brain hemisphere or my kidney. ---------------- Jim Geller -- -------------- UUCP : {cmc12,hao,harpo}!seismo!rochester!rocksvax!sunybcs!geller ...{allegra,decvax,watmath}!sunybcs!geller CSNET : geller@buffalo ARPA : geller%buffalo@csnet-relay BITNET : geller@sunybcs US MAIL: James Geller/ Dept. of Comp. Sci./ SUNY at Buffalo/ 226 Bell Hall/ N.Y. 14260 --------------