Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site daemen.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!bellcore!decvax!tektronix!uw-beaver!cornell!bullwinkle!rochester!rocksanne!sunybcs!daemen!wersan From: wersan@daemen.UUCP (John Slasher Wersan III) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Real Programmers Message-ID: <1504@daemen.UUCP> Date: Fri, 17-Jan-86 20:13:24 EST Article-I.D.: daemen.1504 Posted: Fri Jan 17 20:13:24 1986 Date-Received: Mon, 20-Jan-86 06:08:59 EST Distribution: net Organization: Daemen College, Computer Science Department, Buffalo, NY Lines: 85 *** REPLACE THIS MESSAGE WITH YOUR LINE *** This came across the net about a year ago. I added a little to it. So here it is: Real Programmers ... Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They like Twinkies, Old Coke, palate-scorching Szechwan food, and Tacos. Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Application programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming. Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are lucky to get any program at all. Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify. Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them. Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and a coward. Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy applications programmers. Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulation. Don't use PL/I. Pl/I is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between Cobol and Fortran. Don't use BASIC. In fact, *NO* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty. Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line. Don't use LISP. Only effemitate progammers use more parentheses than actual code. Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories. Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night. Don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work, in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room. Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, prematurely toilet-trained neurotics, who wear neckties and carefully line up sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk. Don't like the team programming concept. Unless of course, they are the Chief Programmer. Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental defectives. Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bedwetters who are unable to "think big". Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. they prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regared. Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up" schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules. Real programmers ignore schedules. Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the cpu. -- John Wersan UUCP : {decvax,dual,rocksanne,rocksvax}!sunybcs!daemen!wersan inhp4!kitty!daemen!wersan "The doctor said I had dain bramage... But my friends don't know what 'dat shit is"