Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: Notesfiles $Revision: 1.7.0.10 $; site trsvax Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!convex!trsvax!gm From: gm@trsvax Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry: Get-Rich-Quick plan Message-ID: <53100159@trsvax> Date: Fri, 17-Jan-86 17:55:00 EST Article-I.D.: trsvax.53100159 Posted: Fri Jan 17 17:55:00 1986 Date-Received: Tue, 21-Jan-86 07:55:07 EST Lines: 84 Nf-ID: #N:trsvax:53100159:000:5516 Nf-From: trsvax!gm Jan 17 16:55:00 1986 Dave Barry's sure-fire get-rich-quick plan: "Mister Mediocre" restaurants By Dave Barry Every now and then I like to suggest sure-fire concepts by which you readers can make millions of dollars without doing any honest work. Before I tell you about the newest concept, I'd like to apologize to those of you who were stupid enough to attempt the previous one, which, as you may recall, involved opening up Electronic Device Destruction Centers. The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic devices, such as television sets and VCRs, to the destruction centers, where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" I thought the Electronic Device Destruction Center was a sure-fire concept, but apparently I was wrong, to judge from the unusually large amount of explosives I received in the mail from those of you who lost your life savings and, in some cases, key organs. This made me feel so bad that I have been sitting here for well over five minutes wracking my brains, trying to think of an even MORE sure-fire money-making concept for you. One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that your potential market is very small: There are only around 500 members of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neill, are already too large to fit on normal aircraft. But fortunately for you, I have come up with an even BETTER moneymaking concept: the "Mister Mediocre" fast-food restaurant franchise. I have studied American eating preferences for years, and belive me, this is what people want. They don't want to go into an unfamiliar restaurant, because they don't know whether the food will be very bad, or very good, or what. They want to go into a restaurant that advertises on national television, where they KNOW the food will be mediocre. This is the heart of the Mister Mediocre concept. The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12." The Lunch or Dinner Patty would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." Mister Mediocre restaurants would have a "salad bar" offering lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz and a Special House Dressing made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle, tended by an employee chosen on the basis of listlessness whose job would be to make sure that all of these ingredients had been slopped over into each other's compartments. Mister Mediocre restaurants would offer a special "Children's Fun Pak" consisting of a patty containing an indelible felt-tipped marker that youngsters could use to write on their skin. Also, there would be a big sign on the door that said: DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH REGULATIONS! ALL EMPLOYEES MUST WASH HANDS BEFORE LEAVING THIS RESTAURANT! If you're a Smart Investor who would like to get hold of a Mister Mediocre restaurant franchise before the federal authorities get wind of this, all you need to do is send me a fairly large amount of money. In return, I'll send you a complete Startup Package consisting of an unsigned letter giving you permission to use the Mister Mediocre concept. You will also, of course, be entitled to free legal advice at any time. Like, for example, if you have a situation where your Drive-Thru customers are taking one bite from their patties and then having seizures that cause them to drive over pedestrians in a fatal manner, you just call me up. "Hey," I'll advise you, for free. "Sounds like you need a lawyer!" (Copyright 1986 Knight-Ridder Newspapers. Reprinted with permission.)