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From: witters@fluke.UUCP (John Witters)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Wright Stuff.
Message-ID: <1359@vax1.fluke.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 21-Jan-86 02:19:09 EST
Article-I.D.: vax1.1359
Posted: Tue Jan 21 02:19:09 1986
Date-Received: Thu, 23-Jan-86 09:26:30 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: John Fluke Mfg. Co., Inc., Everett, WA
Lines: 63

Some of Steven Wright's biggest crowd-pleasers, as heard on his album, "I Have
a Pony."  If you haven't seen Steven Wright, imagine a young Pat Paulson with
the same deadpan delivery and with a stoned expression on his face.  As usual,
it's the delivery, not the joke that makes these funny.  You'll appreciate
these more if you have a Pythonesque sense of humour.


I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

I have a microwave fireplace.  I can lay down in front of the fire for the
evening in eight minutes.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape of
a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and
four people died.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going
to be up all night.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Having sex with Rachel (his girlfriend) is amazing.  It's like going to a
concert -- she yells a lot and throws Frisbees around the room.  When she wants
more, she lights a match.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

I like my dental hygienist.  I think she's very pretty.  So whenever I go to
get my teeth cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of
Oreo cookies.

I went to a place to eat that said 'breakfast anytime.'  So I ordered French
toast during the renaissance.

If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then
you turned your lights on -- would they do anything?

I bought some powdered water.  But I don't know what to add.

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.

--
                                                Are we not Beatrice?
                                                We are

                                                John Witters
                                                John Fluke Mfg. Co.  Inc.
                                                P.O.B. C9090 M/S 243F
                                                Everett, Washington  98206

                                                (206) 356-5274