Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site decwrl.DEC.COM Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!bellcore!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-felix!brown From: brown@felix.DEC (On a clear disk, you can seek forever) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: **OFFENSIVE TO BLIND PERSONS,IRANIANS,MIDGETS AND GEEKS** Message-ID: <668@decwrl.DEC.COM> Date: Thu, 23-Jan-86 17:40:48 EST Article-I.D.: decwrl.668 Posted: Thu Jan 23 17:40:48 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 25-Jan-86 03:45:50 EST Sender: daemon@decwrl.DEC.COM Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation Lines: 92 In article <> larry@kitty.UUCP (Larry Lippman) writes: >>>>> millihelen - the amount of beauty required to launch one ship. >>>> microhelen - the amount of beauty required to motivate one sailor. >>>nanohelen - the amount of beauty required to launch that sailor's >>> you-know-what. >>>picohelen - the amount of beauty required to motivate one sperm in >>> that sailor's you-know-what. >> >>femtohelen - the amount of beauty required to motivate one red blood >> cell to fill the sailor's corpus cavernosum [an absolute >> precursor to all of the above] >>megahelen - 1/1000 th of the amount of beauty required to make the sailor think in any other terms than a one night stand. >chairtohelen - the amount of furniture which needs to be rearranged in order to piss off Helen Keller. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And this, source unknown: Date: 26 May 1980 23:58 pm EDT From: US.State.Dept@WASHINGTON-DC Subject: Useful Farsi Phrases for Americans Traveling to Iran Resent-From: US-State-Dept%WASHINGTON-DC.GOV@seismo.ARPA Resent-Subject: Useful Farsi Phrases for Americans Traveling to Beruit AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car. FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public. KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters. BALLI, BALLI, BALLI! Whatever you say! MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. It is with greatest pleasure that I sign this confession of capital crimes. MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe. ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. ************************** There was this guy playing golf. He approached the ninth tee. He swung and his ball ended up off to the left in a patch of buttercups. He went down and located his ball and as he got ready to swing he heard a voice that said "Don't hit that ball" he looked around and saw no one. He got ready to swing again and he heard the voice again say "Don't hit that ball".. He looked around and still saw no one and said who is it. ******POOF****** a woman appeared and said "I'm Mother Nature"....if you don't hit that ball and distrub my buttercups I will supply you with all of the butter you will need for the rest of your life. He said that's just great............and where were you when I landed in the Pussywillows? -Dan @ (...decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-felix!brown)