Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: Notesfiles $Revision: 1.7.0.10 $; site trsvax Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxn!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!convex!trsvax!gm From: gm@trsvax Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Dave Barry: Mr. Language Person Message-ID: <53100164@trsvax> Date: Tue, 21-Jan-86 13:10:00 EST Article-I.D.: trsvax.53100164 Posted: Tue Jan 21 13:10:00 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 25-Jan-86 08:55:57 EST Lines: 93 Nf-ID: #N:trsvax:53100164:000:5157 Nf-From: trsvax!gm Jan 21 12:10:00 1986 The Language Person hits nerve in grammarians By Dave Barry The reason I rarely write about the mail I get from readers is that nobody would believe it. For example, here are direct quotations from letters I got recently from upset readers: "I just got done reading your ridiculous article about wrestling and how it is fake. Ha, I laugh at you. I would like, or even better yet, tell King Kong Bundy that it is fake, IN THE RING." "I may not have the education of your lawyer, but I sure found I was able to eat my way through China for 15 days using chopsticks without a wad of paper and a rubber band." "Disgusting! Revolting! Warped sense of humor! I am amazed that your editor did not throw it out!" And so on, every week. Nevertheless, I have decided to swerve from my usual policy and quote from the mail I got in response to a recent column I wrote about "Mister Language Person," which generated several wastebaskets full of letters. Many of them were from readers who take their grammar rules VERY seriously and would sincerely like to see Mister Language Person's body stuffed into a working cement mixer. They especially did not like it when Mister Language Person openly encouraged people, including young people, who (these readers feel) are already stupid enough, to go around saying "between you and I." You would have thought Mister Language Person had advocated the random electrocution of Social Security recipients, the way some readers carried on about this. Mister Language Person was so struck by the ferocity of their response that he plans to make a special point of saying "between you and I" as often as possible from now on, just to jerk their chains, and he urges all you young readers to do the same, citing Mister Language Person as your authority ("Look!" you can say. "It's in the NEWSPAPER!") Anyway, here are quotations from some of the letters: "Where in God's creation did Mr. Language Person receive his education?" "With all the problems people have with the English language, they don't need Dave Barry to mis (sic) them up more than ever!" "It has been a long time since I studied grammar. There must have been a change." "Your explanation for the purpose of the apostrophe is ridiculous." "You can't be serious in your column! Apostrophe -- what is it you are saying?" "I was much surprised to have read your answer." Fortunately, not all the mail was like that. Some of it raised important grammatical issues. I'm not making any of these up, either: "I was recently at a college football game and the announcer said: `Well, Johnson dropped the ball, but irregardless (sic) the score remains . . . blah blah blah.' My question is: What does `blah blah blah' mean?" "I was wondering if `beget' has the same definition now as it did way back when? For example, if I say, `I begetting some olives at the store,' does that . . ." "Should I say, `You disgust me' or `You discussed me'?" "Why do all the big beer companies say `less' (calories) when they mean `fewer'? Actually, this practice only bothers my wife; frankly, I could care fewer." "Have you ever noticed that if you take a word, say, like `envelope,' and say it over and over, it loses all meaning and sense? I would like to know if this holds true in all languages, or is it just me?" " `I ain't got no pencil' is definitely poor grammar. Correctly it should be: `I have no pencil. He has no pencil. They have no pencils. We have no pencils.' Come to think of it, who the heck HAS the pencils!?" (NOTE: That was submitted by somebody named "Pinky Pincus.") "Just how did you earn the title, `Mister Language Person'? Was it given to you at birth? Or was there a pageant, like Miss America?" "Why is Grape Nuts called `Grape Nuts'? Where do they get the `grape' part? This question has puzzled me for years. The cereal has nothing to do with grapes. Does it?" "I'm confused when I hear the weather report and it says `currently it's a very chilly 36 degrees.' How does the weatherman decide whether it's a `very chilly' 36 degrees, as compared with a `regular' 36 degrees?" "I'd like to see my name in print. Thanks." "What the world needs is more two-letter words! Sometimes Scrabble gets tough!" "After a heavy workout, Sylvester Stallone admits: `I'm so woozy, I can't remember my own phone number.' MY QUESTION: Does he call himself at home to check whether he's woozy at home, too?" "My wife is from Thailand and sometimes has trouble with our language. She said one of our friends was `hit in the head by a car, and was in Tacoma.' I claim she meant, `in a coma.' Who's correct?" "Because of my job, I eat lunch in a public high school cafeteria." "My question to you is this: Is there a beach in Kansas?" MISTER LANGUAGE PERSON RESPONDS: The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose," which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like. (Copyright 1986 Knight Ridder News Service. Reprinted with permission.)