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From: rob@ptsfb.UUCP (Rob Bernardo)
Newsgroups: net.motss
Subject: Re: Dating?
Message-ID: <292@ptsfb.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 9-Jan-86 09:33:13 EST
Article-I.D.: ptsfb.292
Posted: Thu Jan  9 09:33:13 1986
Date-Received: Sat, 11-Jan-86 06:19:34 EST
References: <267@decwrl.DEC.COM>
Reply-To: rob@ptsfb.UUCP (Rob Bernardo)
Organization: Pacific Bell, San Francisco
Lines: 55

In article <267@decwrl.DEC.COM> feldman@tle.DEC (Gary Feldman) writes:
>
>Back in my more carefree days, the mechanics of cruising were easy (even if the
>success rate was less than spectacular).  We'd meet, dance, go home and screw,
>etc.
>Now, however, the tables are turned, the rules have changed (at least mine have,
>for a variety of reasons), and I'm following a more traditional (dare I say 
>heterosexual) approach to dating.  Unfortunately, I never bothered to learn how
>to date back when I was in school.
>
>First, I wonder how gay men react to dating someone who is also dating others. 
>Currently, I'm a little reluctant to give totally honest excuses such as "I
>can't go with you Friday because I already have another date".  I guess I'm not
>quite used to the idea of "dating many, sleeping with none", and I'm afraid that
>my friends will share this confusion and turn it into distrust or dismissal.

What about a simple, "Sorry, I have plans for Friday, how about Saturday?"
Or even "Sorry, I am getting together with a friend Friday, how about
Saturday?" [BTW, I thinks it's crucially important to offer an alternative
lest the other person think you are indirectly saying "no".] The other person
may conclude that you MIGHT be dating someone else, but so what - you're not
near being "steady" yet.

>
>Second, how does one turn a platonic friendship into a romantic relationship?
>Or perhaps a better question is how long should it take?  I'm so used to 
>sex first that part of me is very impatient, while the more rational parts of me
>are torn between the risks of moving too quickly and the risks of moving too 
>slowly. 
>
I think the use of "platonic friendship" might mislead us from the issue.
Are we talking about becoming sexual with good friends, or are we talking
about when to first have sex with a new romantic interest?  I think you
meant the latter.

My advice is that you have to learn from experience what
is right for you. I know that for myself, there has to be a physical attraction
from the start as well as a non-physical interest in the person. If there is
insufficient non-physical interest, nothing will develop after we have sex,
and after the sex is no longer "mysterious" with him, my interest in seeing him
will decrease rapidly. If there is insufficient physical attraction, I will
quickly become disinterested in the sex, and the relationship with end unless
he is interesting enough non-physically to be a "platonic" friend.

The only point at which TIMING of the first sex is important is that there
is enough interaction beforehand that I get to know if/how he is
non-physically interesting to me. This is important because this interest
is necessary for me to sustain romantic feelings just in case the sex winds
up just so-so.

I know that since the onset of the AIDS epidemic, I have been more interested
in "dating" with the goal of "settling down" with someone. However, speaking
health-wise, sex in the context of a "relationship" is no safer than
"recreational" sex unless the two of you have had sex with no one else in
the past five or so years.