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From: aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent)
Newsgroups: net.suicide
Subject: underlying cause(s) of suicide
Message-ID: <2557@pucc-h>
Date: Sat, 18-Jan-86 13:45:44 EST
Article-I.D.: pucc-h.2557
Posted: Sat Jan 18 13:45:44 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 21-Jan-86 06:56:36 EST
Organization: Purdue University Computing Center
Lines: 48
Keywords: self-rejection in all its guises

I tried to post this some months ago, but news was not flowing out of here
at the time, so I saved a copy.  I'm cleaning out some old files, and I
thought I'd give this article another shot.

>From entropy@fluke.UUCP (Terrence J. Mason):

> I have a friend who is suicidal from time to time and my ignorance of this
> aspect of human behavior limits my desire to help to such things as being
> available to 'talk it over' and recommending counseling....

> Can we, in a delicate but sincere manner, discuss suicide.  I mean the
> motivations for it, its relation (or lack of one) to mental or physical
> disorders, how friends have or should deal with the situation.

I think your being available is one thing that will help your friend.  I
frequently thought about suicide when I was in my mid- and late teens and
early 20's, and it helped to have friends with whom to talk out the worst
of the pain.  The one time when I was actually deliberately planning to kill
myself (when I was 16), I think one thing that bolstered my determination to
do myself in was the feeling that I was utterly alone; fortunately, when I
was able to get in touch with that feeling and have a good cry, the edge was
taken off my suicidal depression (oh yes, I was extremely depressed), and I
abandoned my plans of suicide.

Even now, at age 30, I still think about it now and then, though I'm rarely
really depressed any more (in a way, I sort of miss it...self-pity can be fun).
Nowadays the guise it takes is the idea of escape; escape from all the
decisions and vicissitudes of life.

But the underlying problem appears to be the same, no matter what one's
conscious motive:  One does not believe in oneself, does not love oneself
-- perhaps even could be considered to hate oneself (after all, one is
considering murdering someone, who just happens to be oneself).  In my
teens the problem was feeling 100% worthless.  Nowadays it's still a case
of feeling insufficient to fight life's battles *and win*, and expecting
to be once again rejected and alone if I fail.  My childhood did not do
well at engendering the belief that people will still love you and believe
in you even if you do screw up.

So my advice to you is:  As best you can, love your suicidal friend and show
him/her that you believe in them.  Marathon hugs can be excellent therapy.
Take some initiative in caring for the person -- i.e., don't merely be
available in a crisis, but try to make a point of including the person in
your life, e.g. inviting them to share meals with you.  Do your best to help
the person know in their guts that they are loved, wanted, and worthwhile.

-- Jeff Sargent
{decvax|harpo|ihnp4|inuxc|ucbvax}!pur-ee!pucc-h!aeq