Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site reed.UUCP Path: utzoo!decvax!decwrl!pyramid!hplabs!tektronix!reed!ellen From: ellen@reed.UUCP (Ellen Eades) Newsgroups: net.women Subject: Career vs. Relationship? Message-ID: <2341@reed.UUCP> Date: Sun, 19-Jan-86 20:14:43 EST Article-I.D.: reed.2341 Posted: Sun Jan 19 20:14:43 1986 Date-Received: Mon, 20-Jan-86 22:34:58 EST References: <481@ssc-vax.UUCP> <2340@reed.UUCP> Distribution: na Organization: Reed College, Portland, Oregon Lines: 101 I'm posting to net.women only since this seems to be a woman's problem for the most part. Ann Thomas writes: > (The original article was about a mid-30's woman who was discovering > that a good career alone is not enough for happiness.) > > Many times I have wondered what I am giving up in terms of > friends/family in order to pursue a degree & career (hopefully) in > psychology. When I escape the ivory tower at age 27 or so, will I > have found that life has passed me by? What I so often find missing > in my life is love, and far too many of the people in my environment > "don't have the time" for "silly" things like relationships, long > talks, closeness etc., yet they complain about being lonely. Phone > conversations and e-mail with friends who are at a distance can > only do so much. > > As a woman, I feel that I face more difficulties in this area. One > is: are there any men out there who would "follow" me around for the > next 5 years until I complete my education? I had a long talk with > one of my professors about the nature of relationships in academia, > and he concluded, sadly, that women seem much more willing to "follow" > their (male) SOs, perhaps because men are expected to have "better" > careers than women. I know what it's like to leave an SO > behind when I return to college-- *very* painful; so far, college has > won out, but I don't know how many more times I am going to go through > breakups caused by "situational" factors. A major problem I see in this situation stems directly from society's assumption that women follow their men rather than the other way around. Thus, if a woman chooses a career, she must expect losses in other parts of her life (family, friends). The remarkable thing, as I see it, is that this is completely untrue of men. The men I grew up with assumed as a matter of course that they would have to put their careers first in order to achieve some degree of financial comfort which would in turn support their families. Some women, on the other hand, still have not really adjusted to the idea that they might want careers as well as (or perhaps more than) families. And certainly very few women *expect* that their careers will come first with their SOs, as many men still do. The last time I had a male SO, many conflicts arose from this. He attempted to pressure me to drop out of college to maintain my relationship with him and suggested that we support one another through college, alternating years (he worked as a systems analyst). My determination to return to school, and afterward to do some things I had promised myself (Peace Corps, travel, art) became a major bone of contention. He was willing to support me -- wasn't the opposite true? I say, NO! The opposite is NOT true, and for the same reason that I believe in affirmative action for minorities. Women have been discriminated against for too long for me to accept a 50-50 settlement from a man. The facts were that my SO was a white male with good prospects and a promising talent for computers. He could *always* find a good job. The same is not true for me, a minority woman with talents in the arts. I have enough trouble attempting to remain true to my gifts without supporting a white male as well. Pretty obnoxious, eh? Needless to say, we separated with some degree of rancor, though we are still friends. I got a call from him the other day; he asked whether I would perhaps be moving to the Bay Area in the near future, as he would enjoy living near me and seeing me on a more regular basis. He was quite disappointed when I said I intended to stay in Portland and do some things here for a while. I know no one in the Bay besides him, and I was supposed to drop everything after I graduated, forget about the roots I've put down here, because he thought I'd like San Francisco?! Ann appears to want (I hope I am not misinterpreting) a significant, long-term relationship at this point in her life. I do too; however, I think we differ as to degree, and her mobility will of course be a crucial factor. It's little comfort to say that someone will eventually come along who can deal with repeated relocation over at least the next 5 years; but I think there are many college graduates who are dealing with this problem. I certainly don't know where I'll be two years hence; I want to go to art school, to get my paramedic certificate, and to go to Latin America in the P.C., and who knows what will happen first? I think it's really vital to remember that the frustrations incurred by giving up your ambitions to support someone else may well outweigh the joys of having an SO around, but I don't know how true this is for all women, conditioned as we are. It probably seems selfish of me to flatly expect that any SO of mine, particularly any male, must allow me to do all these things I've planned for myself, but remember that men have expected this of women for centuries. In my life, I intend to turn the tables, and I expect that anyone who is radical enough to tolerate me for long periods of time will understand this. If there aren't that many around who will ... at least I'll be finding quality when I find one. Ellen -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Who's been repeating all that hard stuff to you?" "I read it in a book," said Alice. - - - - - - - - - - - - - tektronix!reed!ellen