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From: gooley@uicsl.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Three Extended Puns
Message-ID: <6000010@uicsl>
Date: Mon, 3-Feb-86 21:34:00 EST
Article-I.D.: uicsl.6000010
Posted: Mon Feb  3 21:34:00 1986
Date-Received: Fri, 7-Feb-86 21:12:07 EST
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Nf-ID: #N:uicsl:6000010:000:3450
Nf-From: uicsl.UUCP!gooley    Feb  3 20:34:00 1986


Here are some more extended-pun or "Father Goose" jokes. They are, as far as
I know, original, and I've tried to trim the fat off. (There's a real challenge
in setting up the punch line in as few words as possible.)  The first may be
obscure to some Americans, the second is mildly offensive to Beatles fans, and
the last may annoy Shakespeareans and is a bit scatological.


1. A revolution in a small African country paralyzed an
English firm that made rare-earth alloys; most of the Muth tribe, which
ran mines producing the needed ores, had been overrun and thrown into
makeshift concentration camps.  The new rulers refused to sell any ore,
so the firm hired Glore and Landry, Ltd., basically a private
espionage service, who sent in their best man, Roger Hope. "Do whatever it
takes, Roger," said Sir John Landry, his boss, "but get that ore moving again."
	Hope was an unorthodox idealist: he gathered together the few Muth
still at liberty and built a guerilla force that broke open the camps and
pulled off a nearly bloodless coup.  When he returned to England,
Hope asked his firm to fake his death and help him assume a new
identity. Sir John was amazed. "Is it all the publicity?  Will it keep you from
being effective?"
	"It's not that, Sir John," answered Hope. "It's just that I'm sick
and tired of being called:
	Hope of Glore and Landry, free-er of the Muth."

2.	"So, how did the class reunion go?" I asked.
	"Kinda fun. Some sad moments, though. Remember Lucy? I found out
she died," he answered.
	"How awful! What happened?"
	"She got a job at a chemical plant. Keith Simons was working there.
You know what those two were like.  Couldn't think of anything but sex." I
nodded. "Anyway, one lunch break they sneaked out to a favorite spot right
in the middle of the factory and started making love. They rolled under a
railing and fell right into a vat of Methyl Orange that some idiot had left
open. Tragicomic, y'know." He paused for effect. "It reminds me of a Beatles
song."
	"Huh? Which one?"
	"Lucy in the Dye with Simons."
	A loyal Beatles fan, I hit him.

3.	Friar Laurence told Romeo that Juliet was getting very drunk every
night and suffering massive hangovers every morning. Romeo flew to his beloved.
It was true: she was an odd shade of pale green and had bloodshot eyes. At
first she wouldn't admit why she drank, but at last she confessed that though
she loved him, she couldn't stand his flatulence.  Romeo explained that it
was due to a distant relative, an Englishwoman who had earned the gratitude
of her King and been made Dame Commander of the British Empire [anachronism
here, but there's worse to come], but was now impoverished. Her Italian
relatives, out of sympathy, had made her their cook, and she was feeding them
hearty English fare which disagreed with Romeo's sensitive bowels. Romeo
kept eating her food because he hadn't the heart to tell her. But Friar
Laurence, said Romeo, had a solution: in the Veronese catacombs there was a
shrine with relics of an obscure saint.  A night of praying there, followed
by a vow that he would control his sphincters, would cure him. Juliet was so
overjoyed that her next speech didn't quite scan properly:

JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo, therefore fartest thou, Romeo!
	Deny thy fodder and refuse thy Dame.
	Or if thou wilt not, be butt-sworn, my love,
	And I'll no longer be so crapulous.

Of course they didn't live happily ever after...
						uiucdcs!uicsl!gooley