Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.3 4.3bsd-beta 6/6/85; site decwrl.DEC.COM Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!bellcore!decvax!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-yogi!marks From: marks@yogi.DEC Newsgroups: net.kids Subject: Teenagers & Stepfamilies Message-ID: <1030@decwrl.DEC.COM> Date: Mon, 10-Feb-86 11:19:18 EST Article-I.D.: decwrl.1030 Posted: Mon Feb 10 11:19:18 1986 Date-Received: Wed, 12-Feb-86 06:46:50 EST Sender: daemon@decwrl.DEC.COM Organization: Digital Equipment Corporation Lines: 46 6 1/2 years ago, when my husband and I were still only living together (we have been married since October of 1980), his ex-wife "donated" to us, lock stock and barrel, his four kids, then ages 13, 11, 9, and 8. My kids, then ages 6 and 9, lived with us already. The new life situation happened suddenly, over the course of a weekend I believe, and without recourse. She simply decided she did not want the kids any more, and that we had to take them. They had had a really terrible life by "normal" standards, and all the belongings the 4 of them had, including clothes, toys, furniture, and all earthly possessions, arrived with them in a green plastic trash bag. To make a long story short, the last 6 1/2 years have been fraught with frustration, guilt, anger, all permutations and combinations of family, couple, and individual therapy, and a lot of grey hair. Although my husband has now been divorced from his ex-wife for 14 years, she is so furious with him over that that it has recently come out she has perpetually and continually told her kids terrible things about my husband (and me, although I didn't even know him when he was married to her, nor had I ever met her when she decided to place her kids in my hands). This has come to the fore because my husband's youngest child, a boy who is almost 15, is now fighting a terrible chronic depression, for which he is being treated medically, and for which there are all kinds of reasons. The Brady Bunch this is not... I don't expect anyone to reply with pat solutions. However, has anyone else ever been in a situation like this and how have you handled it? (My children are well adjusted teenagers, by the way. But we have had nothing by trouble with my husband's kids.) Also, the natural mother sees her children as infrequently as possible, often making arrangements to see them and then canceling at the last minute. However, they idolize her, putting her on a pedestal and fantasizing about the wonderful life they were dragged (presumably by the wicked stepmother, me) away from. I have encouraged this woman to see her children more often (she lives about 45 minutes away). I have tried to strike up a working acquaintance with her for the sake of the kids. Nothing seems to work, however, and she can't get beyond her anger at my husband. Although she has lived with several people, she has never remarried and her relationships don't seem to last longer than a couple of years at the most. Other than simply waiting for them to grow up and move out, anyone have any suggestions?