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From: sjl@hropus.UUCP (Steve Leitman)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Teenagers & Stepfamilies
Message-ID: <266@hropus.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 11-Feb-86 19:20:24 EST
Article-I.D.: hropus.266
Posted: Tue Feb 11 19:20:24 1986
Date-Received: Wed, 12-Feb-86 20:47:21 EST
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Organization: Bell Labs, Holmdel, NJ
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Although I have no pat answers for your difficult situation,
I would like to offer some reflections from my own experiences
onto yours.

First, I would like to express my admiration for you for having the
courage to live in such a strained life situation. Although you
did not choose to live with all 6 children, it seems that you're
doing everything you can to support your step kids in overcoming 
the deep disappointment about their mom. I'll come back to this
'disappointment' in a bit. It is key. I hope that, in addition
to caring your family, you are taking care of yourself as well.
It's(you are) important and you deserve it.

I am happy in a second marriage that has brought me
2 additional teenagers for a grand total of 4 (I know it ain't 6).
I'm in the part of my life when I'm revering my parents for
having lived with me as a teenager. Anyway, here are some of my
observations that may help you figure out what's going on, and
also to let you know that you're not alone in your kind of struggle.

I used to get livid whenever I got the sense that my ex was 
'poisoning the well' against me or my wife. Instead of indignantly
defending with rhetoric of the same kind, I (finally) decided that
teaching by example was best. Suppose the ex is saying to the kids
something to the effect, "She's no good, doesn't love you, is just
trying to get what she can from your dad, blah, blah, blah....."
If your everyday life with your family demonstrates that this is
not true then you have the most powerful and effective antidote for 
the poison in the well. And as you probably know, this doesn't prevent 
the kids from delivering occasional poisonous pearls like, "According
to my mom, you're this and that and this and that!" Actually, they
usually avoid saying anything directly but you know where its coming
from - the ole polluted well. The answer, "You know that isn't true.
I love both you and your dad, and that doesn't mean that you guys
are always easy to live with." This and a sincere smile is all the 
energy that's needed to diffuse those little bombs that come from an
ex who is in turn acting out of her own sense of desperation and
insecurity. So, let the example of the love in your everyday life be
the resounding answer to the kids and the ex. (I have a feeling that
you do). Eventually, the love, like snow falling, will begin to stick.

The kids are smart enough to know the truth and moreover they
understand the difference in quality between their lives before and
now. Why don't they admit it? How can they continually defend a 
parent who abandoned them then and makes them feel unwanted now?
Easy. I believe that children defend most the parent that needs
the most defending. In other words, there's a part of them that
recognizes their mom's difficulties and they probably feel
powerless to help her except to defend her against any perceived attack.
So, when they give you flack about their life with you, try not to 
take it personally, and remember that they are coming from a deep sense
of disappointment that they don't have the quality kind of life with their
mom that they have with you. By the way, I commend you for encouraging
your kids to spend time with their mom. Although you may not be fond
of her, they need each other. And they need Significant Others to
help shape their personhoods - That's you. Way to go!

Disappointment may be the key operative for your 15 year old son. I am
not pretending to understand the source of his depression and I have
some general ideas. For a boy of 8, his mom is the love of his life.
She will be the unconscious model for the selection of his own mate.
What happens to his sense of self worth if he feels abandoned at this 
sensitive time? Many children feel they did something bad and so the 
parent left them. They wind up feeling that they are in fact bad. 
To compound things, he is missing that same parent who is crucial in
his transition to manhood. Even though he may look to his dad for his
model in becoming a man, he very much needs validation for that process
from a female, his mom. In other words, he needs someone to tell him that
he is becoming strong, manly, and attractive. (And, I believe, he deserves
praise for being gentle and kind , as well). In short, he needs a lot of
praise. If his mom was not there to support him through his transition,
maybe you can do the job. I would hope that, as he is given to understand
that it wasn't his fault that his mom gave him up, his sense of self worth
will increase. This together with the validation of his manhood by you and
his dad may turn the tide for him.
 
Not incidentally, it takes more than one parent to cope with one teenager
(let alone 2, 4 or 6). Your husband needs to be in there with you in
real time and with equal time to support the sense of family. (I have a
feeling he is). My most effective parenting has been when my wife and I
team up in a one-two combination that combines our strengths, allows us
to complement each other and to provide the mutual support that's
necessary to let the kids know we mean business. Although I'm looking
forward to my teenagers leaving home, (I never thought I would ever say 
that but I understand now that nature causes teenagers to be obnoxious
so that we won't mind so much when they leave the nest) I'm also glad for
having the opportunity to deliver to them (all 4 of them) the love that is 
in me and with the hope that it will kindle in them the ability to deliver
the same in kind to the people in their lives.

Oh, one more thing. I never liked the tag stepfather. I always felt like
someone who hands out poison apples whenever being referred to that way.
My wife suggested the names Maura and Mauro for stepmom and stepdad
respectively. So far our kids think we're goofy, but I would like to
see some more complimentary names for us peoples who are both parents
and surrogate parents.

Hope this helps.

(Teenage Selective Awareness: Parent sees teenager walking all over his/her
clothes strewn everywhere. Parent, "Why are you stomping all over your 
clothes?" Teenager, (blank stare), "What clothes?")

Wisdom from G.W. Seaton (a buddy and street philosopher):
"Nothing difficult is ever easy!"
 
Steve Leitman ihnp4!houxm!hropus!sjl