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From: suze@terak.UUCP (Suzanne Barnett)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Re: teenagers
Message-ID: <1038@terak.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 4-Feb-86 12:16:57 EST
Article-I.D.: terak.1038
Posted: Tue Feb  4 12:16:57 1986
Date-Received: Fri, 14-Feb-86 06:17:12 EST
References: <420@drutx.UUCP> <642@tymix.UUCP>
Organization: Calcomp Display Products Division, Scottsdale, AZ, USA
Lines: 62

> My daughter is almost 14. She has alomst no assertiveness. I don't
> worry about her rebelling, I worry about her not standing up for herself.
> I am trying to find a balance between: holding her responsible for her
> actions, and not being so afraid of the results that she will not try
> anything. Sometimes I think she looses out on too much by being a 'good
> kid'.
> 
>           PKW
> hplabs!oliveb!tymix!whitehur

Remember, responsibility shouldn't come all at once, but be
learned and earned. You don't mention it, but be sure to keep
the converstion going. Tell her about your day and ask about
hers; not in an interrogating manner, but in an "I'm
interested" manner. Listen to what she says. If something
happened that she disliked or didn't agree with, ask her what
she thinks should have been done, or could still be done about
it. You might show your confidence in her by asking her
opinion when You have some problem that needs solving.
Whenever some controversial news item occurs, ask her opinion,
discuss it, and then discuss the other side's opinion,
regardless of whether you both agree or not. When you advise
her, be sure it's advice that she can accept or not, make it
clear to her that the decision is hers, as are the
consequences. It's sometimes good to give several options of
advice, along with the possible and likely consequence of each
choice. This doesn't mean you can't sometimes dictate a course
of action to her, but don't disguise that as advice. Be sure
she knows when she makes the decision and when you do.

I was a "good kid" and VERY shy and unassertive until I was in
college. Yes, looking back I think I missed a lot, sort of
like I slept through my teen years. Of course I didn't and
have many good memories, but I also remember my fears of
other people. I'm still somewhat shy around a group of people
I don't know, or don't know well. What made me turn assertive
in college? A large part had to do with getting involved with
a croup of people and being put in a position of leadership.
(Which passed from one person to another on a frequent basis,
so everyone went through it.) It also had to do with growing
up, maturing and facing responsibility.

My 14 year old step daughter is the antithesis of this. She
is very self assured. However, I've noticed over the past year
that she has become less self assured among her peers. (No
change around family, very close friends or adults.) A
frequent phrase we hear is "how embarrassing!"; she feels that
any one she is with reflects on her, particularly family. Our
reaction, as long as she isn't hurting anyone else's feelings,
is to smile and say to ourselves, this is a phase, she'll grow
out of it. In some cases we continue to encourage her to try
something we think she might enjoy or be good at that she
doesn't wish to try because it isn't something Everyone does.
Enlisting peer presure for this can help; such as inviting her
friends to accompany us, particularly when we think they would
enjoy it and thus influence Kristen's enjoyment.
-- 
Suzanne Barnett-Scott
uucp:	 ...{decvax,ihnp4,noao,savax,seismo}!terak!suze
CalComp/Sanders Display Products Division
14151 N 76th Street, Scottsdale, AZ 85260
(602) 998-4800