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From: mrgofor@mmm.UUCP (MKR)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Computer Bites Man
Message-ID: <577@mmm.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 27-Feb-86 14:59:24 EST
Article-I.D.: mmm.577
Posted: Thu Feb 27 14:59:24 1986
Date-Received: Sat, 1-Mar-86 03:32:48 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: none
Lines: 73


	Back before microcomputers, I worked for a company that sold
Interdata 16-bit minis - a desk-sized multi-user machine for which
we had written our own operating system. Since it was multi-user, it
had user accounts and logins and passwords and login programs that would
run when the user fired it up. One day a colleague and I had to re-possess
a system for which the purchaser decided not to pay. On the way bringing
the computer from Sacramento back to our Palo Alto offices, we stopped
overnight at my friend's Berkeley apartment (we were students there at the
time) and decided to haul the computer upstairs so we could play with it.

	We invited my non-computeroid roommate over to play the games on it,
but before he arrived, we wrote a special login program for him. It went,
as they say, something like this:

	My roommate (Doug) sits down at the terminal and we tell him the
account number and password to use. Our bogus login program prints:

	UGH! IT'S DOUG! I HATE YOU! GET YOUR GREASY FINGERS OFF MY KEYBOARD
	AND DON'T EVER LET ME SEE YOUR UGLY FACE AGAIN!
and then it logs him off.

	My colleague (Kevin) and I scratch our heads and say, "Hmm, that's
odd - try it again." Like a fool he does, and the computer prints:

	LOOK, YOU JERK! I TOLD YOU TO KEEP YOUR FILTHY FINGERS OFF MY KEYS!
	NOW GO AWAY AND DON'T BOTHER ME!
and logs him off again.

	So I sit down at the terminal and login with the same account and
password. The computer says:

	HELLO, MIKE. HOW ARE YOU? YOU'RE LOOKING MIGHTY GOOD! WHO IS THAT
	STANDING BEHIND YOU? ACCCCKKKK! IT'S DOUG! I HATE HIM! HE'S A 
	DISGUSTING PERVERT AND I CAN'T STAND THE SIGHT OF HIM! BARF!
	BARF! BARF!
and logs me off.

	So Kevin and I again scratch our heads, then Kevin tells Doug to
stand around the corner in the kitchen, so the computer can't see him.
I then log on again. The computer says:

	HELLO, MIKE. IS DOUG GONE? GOOD! I REALLY CAN'T STAND THAT GUY!
	SO ANYWAY, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO TODAY?
		
then the computer goes into a carefully timed 30-second loop doing nothing,
giving us time to give Doug the all-clear to come out of the kitchen. Just
as he finishes reading the new message, the terminal beeps and prints:

	AAAGGGHHHHH! DOUG'S BACK! BARF! BARF! GET OUT OF MY FACE YOU UGLY
	MORON! I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK!
and logs me off again.

	By this time we're rolling on the floor, convulsed with laughter
while apologizing for the computer and saying that we don't know why it
doesn't like him. Finally, we tell Doug that we'll have to use the master
account on the computer, and we give him the account number and the password.
He logs in, and the computer says:

	HELLO, MASTER. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO... OH MY GOD! IT'S YOU
	AGAIN, IS IT? WELL, AS DISTASTEFUL AS IT MAY BE, I HAVE TO LET
	ANYBODY ON THE MASTER ACCOUNT RUN ANY PROGRAMS THEY WANT, BUT
	THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT!
and finally Doug gets to play blackjack, startrek and hangman to his heart's
content. We finally told him how we did it later, but to this day he still
doesn't quite trust computers. I can't imagine why.


-- 
					--MKR

When in Rome, do as the ancient Etruscans used to do before they
became extinct because of the things they used to do.