Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!bellcore!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!seismo!lll-crg!lll-lcc!vecpyr!atari!dyer From: dyer@atari.UUcp (Landon Dyer) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: IMB Product Announcement Message-ID: <128@atari.UUcp> Date: Thu, 27-Feb-86 18:27:09 EST Article-I.D.: atari.128 Posted: Thu Feb 27 18:27:09 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 1-Mar-86 22:29:23 EST Organization: Atari Corp., Sunnyvale CA Lines: 112 Keywords: networks, tokens, journalistic terrorism IMB (Nukesbury) Product Announcement "Amuses Industry, Analysts" IMB announced its long-awaited Tolkien Ring Network today. In an informal and unauthorized interview with the product manager, G. Gray, we extracted the following information. (Sodium Pentathol -- the "standard" of the electronics industry's journalists, has proved to be less effective than simple, old-fashioned methods, the more old-fashioned the better. We only wish that Mr. Gray's heart condition had been noted on his dossier). Q. Why did IMB pick Tolkien ring over one of the more proven technologies like eth*rnet? A. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We didn't like any of the standards out there, so we said, "What the hell, let's make our own", and we did. Q. How do you prevent duplicate tokens? A. We don't really care. Q. How do you pick host IDs? A. Each host is assigned a 256-bit random number. The likelyhood of a duplication is astronomically small, on the order of your mother-in-law leaving without having been asked to. Q. What would a typical tolkien ring installation con- sist of? A. Three Rings for the elven kings under the sky, Seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone, Nine for Mortal men doomed to die, One for the Dark lord on his dark throne In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie. Q. Do you expect any opposition to the tolkien ring es- tablishment? A. Our experience has been that potential users can be dealt with quite easily if you use a little imagina- tion. Hot wax works well. So does COBOL. Manage- ment should pick out the troublemakers early on and kill them as soon as possible. Q. Has your mother-in-law left yet? A. No. Most users report that it will be a cold day in hell before that token comes around the ring again. Usually they have to find it with a flashlight, or flush it out of the basement with smoke. Tokens are heavy, and they tend to get stuck where the cables dip or rise suddenly. Q. What about network security? A. We surgically alter users and take their families hostage. This is a major breakthrough in security technology, and we are considering using it on other fronts, such as in our lobbying techniques. Q. What enhancements to the Tolkien ring network do you expect to make in the near future? A. Our Miami research center is reportedly working on something they call a `Drug' ring, but what that really is is anyone's guess. The Colorado people are experimenting with anti-tokens, more commonly called "hot potatoes", which cause system crashes if they are held too long -- great incentive to make the network work as fast as possible. And we can't understand what the California people are working on, since too many of them took est. Q. What other exciting, new technologies will IMB re- veal in the next year? A. Look for us to be very aggressive in microprocessor and memory devices. I shouldn't tell you this, but next month we will be announcing a RISC with a 1 GIP instruction-fetch rate, a 16 or 17 megabit dynamic RAM for twelve cents, an artificial intelligence that will run for president, and a revolutionary sexual position that actually cures herpes. Q. Thank you Mr. Gray. (Muffled thud and scream just before the tape runs out...). -Landon (Any references to organizations, states or cities, products, people or diseases are soley fun intended).