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From: suze@terak.UUCP (Suzanne Barnett)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Teenagers & Stepfamilies
Message-ID: <1052@terak.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 21-Feb-86 12:13:36 EST
Article-I.D.: terak.1052
Posted: Fri Feb 21 12:13:36 1986
Date-Received: Wed, 26-Feb-86 04:53:28 EST
References: <1030@decwrl.DEC.COM>
Organization: Calcomp Display Products Division, Scottsdale, AZ, USA
Lines: 54

> To make a long story short, the last 6 1/2 years have been fraught 
> with frustration, guilt, anger, all permutations and combinations of 
> family, couple, and individual therapy, and a lot of grey hair.  

Read _Growing_Up_Divorced_. It is a VERY good book about how
children handle divorce. It covers different ages and stages.
Lots of children were interviewed for their reactions. It
generally takes a number of years for children to get over the
trauma of their family splitting up.

The fact that your stepkids' mother can't or won't get along
with your husband is a big problem for the kids. It may help
her relieve her anger, but it harms the kids. Depending on how
you and your husband react to her, it could harm them as well.

I'd suggest getting a copy of the book for her too. (Even if
she doesn't read it, you've tried.) Do your best to get along
with her, even if only for the kids' sake. Take them shopping
(or offer to) for mother's day, birthday and Christmas gifts
for her. When they haven't heard from her in a while (you
define the timelength) encourage them to call or write her.
Never in their presence express your dislike of her, even though
you may hate her guts. This is especially important for your
husband; while she is a problem causer and annoyance for y'all,
she is their mother. Since your efforts to work with their mother
are, at best, not very effective, devote your efforts to working
with the kids.

Do your best to treat all your children impartially. The
stepkids could feel that your kids get more attention or are
loved more.

Remember, you're an adult, they are still kids, even if they
are teenagers. That is a time of real uncertainty in life,
even without the added difficulties of family strife.

Love the kids, even when it's hard to like them. That's when
they need it the most.

You may have tried some or all of this, but keep trying. It's
worth the effort. I've been very fortunate in that my step
kids and I have a good relationship, and have had as long as
we've known each other. I feel a large part of it relates to
the fact that their parents can and do get along well and BOTH
have the best interests of the kids at heart.

				Good luck!
-- 
Suzanne Barnett-Scott
uucp:	 ...{decvax,ihnp4,noao,savax,seismo}!terak!suze

CalComp/Sanders Display Products Division
14151 N 76th Street, Scottsdale, AZ 85260
(602) 998-4800