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From: becker@rochester.UUCP (Tim Becker)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Spanking: no conflagrations needed, PLEASE!!!
Message-ID: <15576@rochester.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 25-Feb-86 09:34:58 EST
Article-I.D.: rocheste.15576
Posted: Tue Feb 25 09:34:58 1986
Date-Received: Sat, 1-Mar-86 01:34:42 EST
References: <1161@udenva.UUCP>
Reply-To: becker@rochester.UUCP (Tim Becker)
Organization: U. of Rochester, CS Dept.
Lines: 48

I agree with much of what Caspian said he means by spanking and would like
to elaborate based on my experience with our 4 year old son.

First, I must tell my son what the limits are and what the consequences
of his crossing those limits are.  My son is fairly strong willed and
active - he doesn't play quietly doing everythings he's told.  So,
parental intervention is frequently necessary (ie. discipline).  For
example, suppose he's throwing his toys around in the play room.  I
object telling him he could hit his baby sister and possibly break the
toys or window in the room.  He continues.  At this point, I tell him
what will happen if he chooses to continue.  "If you throw any more
toys, I'll spank you".  If a parent doesn't outline the limit and the
consequence, children may see discipline as capricous and hence unfair
-- the discipline depends on daddy's mood not really on their actions.
I believe this principle is valid independent of the discipline used
(spanking, grounding, ...).  If he continues to throw his toys, I must
follow through on the promised consequence.  Not doing so, communicates
a capricousness as well.

More specific to spanking, I don't spank him in front of his friends or
even his little sister -- I want to avoid any possibility of
humiliation.  We have a chair in the living room that we use by taking
him to the living room, spanking him, and sitting him on the chair.  I
usually set a kitchen timer at this point (2-4 minutes) and tell him to
think about what happened and that I'll be back when the timer rings.
The reason for the timer is that our son doesn't normally cry tears of
remorse.  He'll often be angry or act casual (kind of ignoring my
discipline).  The timer forces him to stop playing and gives him a
chance to consider what happened.  When the timer rings, I sit face to
face and eye level with him and we talk about what happened.  I make
sure he understands why I disciplined him.  If he needs to say he's
sorry to someone (for hitting his sister, say), I ask him to do it.  I
don't force this -- we sit and talk about it until he's ready.  I don't
really like the idea of dragging the child by the hand to the injured
child and saying gruffly, "Now you say you're sorry"!  I'm looking to
instill a genuine sensitivity to other people -- forcing it doesn't do
that.  We usually hug and I tell him he's forgiven.  Small children need
physical reassurance of our feelings -- words may not convey the same
message as a hug.  At this point, I want to convey that all is well,
I'm not holding a grudge, and that I love and accept him fully.

Sorry for the long description.  Caspian asked for personal experiences,
so here's mine.

Happy parenting!

Tim Becker.
..!{seismo,allegra,decvax}!rochester!becker