Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!bellcore!decvax!genrad!panda!talcott!harvard!uwvax!caip!atux01!hedden From: hedden@atux01.UUCP (D. Hedden) Newsgroups: net.kids Subject: Re: Spanking: no conflagrations needed, PLEASE!!! Message-ID: <167@atux01.UUCP> Date: Thu, 27-Feb-86 13:19:52 EST Article-I.D.: atux01.167 Posted: Thu Feb 27 13:19:52 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 1-Mar-86 17:08:56 EST References: <1161@udenva.UUCP> <15576@rochester.UUCP> Organization: CSEd, AT&T Communications, Piscataway, N.J. Lines: 60 Summary: a couple of other thoughts In article <15576@rochester.UUCP>, becker@rochester.UUCP (Tim Becker) writes: > I agree with much of what Caspian said he means by spanking and would like > ... > First, I must tell my son what the limits are and what the consequences > of his crossing those limits are. ... > ... I > object telling him he could hit his baby sister and ... > ... He continues. At this point, I tell him > what will happen if he chooses to continue. "If you throw any more > toys, I'll spank you". If a parent doesn't outline the limit and the > consequence, children may see discipline as capricous and hence unfair > ... > I believe this principle is valid independent of the discipline used > (spanking, grounding, ...). If he continues to throw his toys, I must > follow through on the promised consequence. Not doing so, communicates > a capricousness as well. I heartily agree with the above, but it implies (perhaps even states) an additional point. A parent must be careful not to ever threaten a punishment that they are not fully prepared to carry out. In a moment of frustration saying "If you do that again I'll knock your head off!" is obviously an action you would never intend to carry out, but the child doesn't know that. A less extreme example is saying to a 3 or 4 year old in a car, miles from home "If you don't stop that I'll make you get out of the car and walk home". The child may not have any way of knowing that there is no way you could follow through, and will see your failure to do so as capriciousness or lack of resolve. Even though my wife and I both started out saying we would not use spanking as a disciplinary measure, the failure of all other forms to achieve results has forced us to this "last resort" with both our children. But we are very selective in what spanking is an appropriate punishment for. Specifically, we will never spank for the child having hit someone. That seems hypocritical since spanking IS hitting. > ... He'll often be angry ... (at having been spanked) Another small side point. Children are often angry at parents for spanking and for other punishments, but they don't understand the difference between being angry with someone and hating them; and the know they love their parents, so the anger confuses them, and they feel they can't express it, so it gets internalized -- that's bad. We have tried to be careful to let our children know that it is OK to be angry at us, and that it is OK to express that anger in ways that are socially acceptable (not hitting or screaming, etc). This also gives us a chance to let them know that just because we are angry with them we haven't stopped loving them. > ... We usually hug and I tell him he's forgiven. Small children need > physical reassurance of our feelings -- words may not convey the same > message as a hug. ... VERY IMPORTANT!! > Sorry for the long description. Caspian asked for personal experiences, > so here's mine. And I am also sorry for my long-windedness. "The moving hand writes ..." Don