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From: regard@ttidcc.UUCP (Adrienne Regard)
Newsgroups: net.women,net.singles
Subject: re: beach harassment, extended
Message-ID: <177@ttidcc.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 20-Feb-86 13:49:50 EST
Article-I.D.: ttidcc.177
Posted: Thu Feb 20 13:49:50 1986
Date-Received: Sun, 23-Feb-86 05:43:48 EST
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It has been pointed out that when the woman on the beach indicated via
short replies her lack of interest in conversing, she was being less than
clear about her feelings.  It has been suggested that she make her lack of
interest clear.  We can hypothesize about what happens to the woman who
politely but firmly declines further conversation:

Guy[1,2,3]:  (Politely) Nice day.  Is that a good book?

Gal:  (Also politely) Yes, but I'm not interested in conversation about it.

Guy[1,2,3]:  Well, shit, I wasn't trying to start up a conversation
	or anything.  I just made a comment.  Who the hell do you think
	you are, anyway?  Miss America?  Why, I've seen better lookers
	than you 5 times today. . .

She didn't initiate, and she tried to refuse contact as pleasantly as
possible, but she caught flack for it.

All hypothesis, of course, but I'm a relatively direct woman, and I've
heard this type of response more than once in my life.  The situation below
isn't exactly parallel, but it illustrates what happens when a person is
direct about their intentions.

I like to dance, and I used to go out to bars to do just that.  I've never
once received a less-than-negative response to, "I'd like to dance with
other people tonight" when some guy, after a dance or two, plunks himself
down at "my" table and proceeds to try to discover my lifestory for the
next 3 hours at mega-decibels (his presence effectively discouraging any
other people from approaching the table).  I don't appreciate this.  It
hasn't STOPPED me, of course -- I still ask other people to dance, and I've
even had a T-shirt printed up that reads, "I go home alone" as a subtle
indicator that I'm at a bar with a dance floor in order to dance.  BUT, I
have found that "direct expression" of my interest (or lack of interest)
hasn't ever won me any points.  (In many cases, it's easier on MY ego to
be "indirect", and let the guy go away puzzled, rather than mad.)  I ALSO
initiate contact, and I ALSO take rejection.  If I had initiated contact, I
accept rejection as a possibility.  When I don't initiate the contact, I
resent being blamed for somebody else's weak ego.

And DON'T tell me I initiated contact by being at the bar.  So did "he".
Or was he just there for a drink, and I was there to put down men?  As
we may accept that men in general don't leave the house saying "Let's go
harrass some woman on the beach" women also don't leave the house saying,
"Let's go lead on some guys then shut them down".

It is a delicate and subtle issue.  One person's "encouragement" is another
person's harrassment.  You ask "how's a guy to know?"  Well, how's a woman
to know?  By observation, experience, thought, and listening to the clues.
And even then we are wrong about 80% of the time.

It doesn't get easier.
-- 

Adrienne Regard
		"I don't know if I'm reasonable, but I am right."