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From: richl@lumiere.UUCP (Rick Lindsley)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: The "no is forever" doctrine
Message-ID: <1740@lumiere.UUCP>
Date: Fri, 21-Feb-86 18:54:57 EST
Article-I.D.: lumiere.1740
Posted: Fri Feb 21 18:54:57 1986
Date-Received: Mon, 24-Feb-86 08:38:29 EST
References: <167@axiom.UUCP> <1271@lll-crg.ARpA> <305@unirot.UUCP>
Reply-To: richl@lumiere.UUCP (Rick Lindsley)
Organization: Tektronix, Inc., Beaverton, OR.
Lines: 63
Keywords: beyond the initial rejection

Pooh writes:
> If you are told "no" the first time,
> do you give up?  Once you break up with someone, is it over for
> good?  Is "no" forever unless proven otherwise?
> 
> And how do you feel about someone you have said "no" to once who refuses
> to give up?

It all depends on why they said no. If they said, "no, I'm seeing
someone already," then I will consider asking that person out again in
the future.  Really! But only, of course, if her current relationship
sours. My reasoning is, if we do hit it off, I'd like to be able to
know that I can trust her.  If she doesn't cheat now, then I'll trust
her not to cheat in the future.

If it is a chance encounter, such as at a party or a bar or a train or
a plane or ... then I consider a "no" to be a "maybe". While I won't
ask again (at least that evening), I'll be friendly and receptive to
her in case she changes her mind. Flirting from across the room would
be one way to get me to ask twice in one evening, whether that's what
she wanted or not. However, a person who does nothing but flirt all
the time makes me angry and frustrated after a while, and nothing will
get me to ask them out again.

So when do I consider a "no" to be a "NO"? Well ... if there is a
lengthy explanation ("no, see I like you a lot, you understand, and I
don't want you to take this badly, but you see..") Or if I get a polite
"no" twice in a row, with no other explanation offered. I don't want to
pester her until she hates me. If she really is interested, she'll
hopefully either contact me or arrange something through a mutual
friend or something.

Of course there are exceptions. There was a girl I asked 4 times,
because each time she apologized profusely and asked me to call again.
After two dates, though, I discovered she was working me in between
visits from her boyfriend ...

As to breaking up ... I think the key is WHEN you break up. If you see
some rocky shores coming and break up before you run aground, it is
much easier to remain good friends. If the breakup is because one was
cheating or lying to the other, it would probably be much harder to
ever view that person as a friend again. I myself am still friends with
all the women I've dated.  (That's not to say I've kept in touch with
them all, just that if I knew one were in town I would want to talk to
her and find out what's been happening in her life. Some are already
married, so it's not at all like I have a harem or a "woman in every
port"!)

Myself? If I'm asked, and don't want to go out with that person, ever,
I simply say "no, but thanks." If they press for details, I'll lie once
or twice to try and ease their conscience. ("I've got a basketball game
that night," or "I'm already going out to eat with some friends that
night") After a couple of times though, I'll tell them (kindly, I hope)
that I just don't want to.

If I'm asked and WOULD be interested, but really DO have other plans,
I'll say that, and maybe suggest another time.

Anyhoo, now everyone that knows me and reads net.singles knows my
"secret code." I don't know if that's good or bad! It seems like common
sense to me, but then of course it would.

Rick