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From: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Newsgroups: net.women,net.singles
Subject: Re: beach harassment, extended
Message-ID: <2199@utcsri.UUCP>
Date: Tue, 25-Feb-86 10:04:54 EST
Article-I.D.: utcsri.2199
Posted: Tue Feb 25 10:04:54 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 25-Feb-86 10:33:17 EST
References: <177@ttidcc.UUCP> <546@hoptoad.uucp>
Reply-To: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Followup-To: net.singles
Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto
Lines: 83
Summary: 

In article <546@hoptoad.uucp> laura@hoptoad.uucp (Laura Creighton) writes:
>I have noticed the following pattern
>of bahaviour, though.
>
>A man approaches a woman, and they have a few minutes pleasant conversation.
>But suddenly I get the impression that she panics.  What if I can't get
>rid of him when I want to?  Panic, panic, panic -- then crushing
>rejection.  This leaves one stunned and bewildered guy.  This particular
>pattern of bahaviour is flawed on more than one front.  First of all, it
>hurts someone unneceesarily, and second of all it teaches men to expect
>crushing rejections.  As they toughen up to be strong enough to take this
>kind of stuff, they can end up so insensitive that they are totally
>oblivious to kinder rejections.

Actually, some of us just chalk it up as a lack of awareness (or, possibly,
a refusal of the rejector to become aware) of the effects of their
behavior.

>And women who run across them learn that
>(some) men are very hard to get rid of, and so while involved in pleasant
>conversation with a man may panic, because they are unsure that they can
>get rid of him when they want to....
>
>around and around and around it goes.  clearly everyone would be better
>off if they knew how to give and how to get a rejection without becoming
>an insensitive jerk.  If somewhere along the line men and women learned
>not to be afraid of each other this would be a great thing as well.
 
As usual Laura, you have hit the nail on the head. (ouch :-) ) I tend
to see this type of behavior a lot, especially in "high pressure"
environments such as bars, dances, maybe even the beach.  My pet
explanation for this is as follows...

Suppose persons A and B are the correct (but not necessarily desired) MOTAS 
for each other.  Furthermore assume that they are each receptive to meeting
someone new.

(If the second assumption is not true then it is unlikely that conversation
between the two will ever be amicable -- and besides, lots of other netters
have already written treatises about what happens in that situation :-)
But I digress...)

So, in some manner of social intercourse our two individuals cross paths
and begin to (talk, discuss, argue, rant, etc.) about whatever strikes
their fancy.

Now what happens is that one of the individuals in question (in Laura's
example, the woman) decides that the other is not suitable for them for
some personal reason(s).  To compound the problem the other person *is*
interested in continuing the conversation.  As an auxiliary condition,
there may be other people around that the disinterested person may
want to meet.  The result?  The disinterested
person will begin to feel pressured and, subsequently, resentful of the
other person's stubborn refusal to get up and walk away. This may eventually
lead to a curt drop-kick in the manner described by Laura above.

This is (another) classic example of non-communication.  The proper course
of action for the disinterested person is to *politely* inform the other
that I (the disinterested individual) do not wish to continue the
conversation rather than letting things rise to the boiling point
along with the attendant explosion of nasty verbiage.  (I *love* English :-) )

Now I am the first to concede that this is very difficult to do.  Any
rejection is bound to hurt feelings.  The proper way to convey rejection
is to try to impress upon the other that you feel that he/she is not for
you.  This is much better than insulting the persons appearance, intelligence,
ancestry, etc.

Of course if the other person is a boor who will not take "no" for an
answer, *then*, perhaps, a stronger rejection may be called for.

As a side note, it is also worthwhile for one to notice the behavior of
others when making conversation.  If you note that the person to whom
you are speaking is constantly looking at everything other than yourself
then you might suspect that they are finding what they are looking at
more intersting that you.  This might be a good time to make a farewell
gesture.  It will be quite obvious at this point whether or not your
company is desired.

Enough yacking.  I return to reading the net.news.
-- 
Ray Allen  | "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."
utcsri!ray | - Oscar Wilde as quoted in "Parachutes & Kisses" by Erica Jong