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From: ables@milano.UUCP
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: The "no is forever" doctrine
Message-ID: <984@milano.UUCP>
Date: Sat, 22-Feb-86 18:36:11 EST
Article-I.D.: milano.984
Posted: Sat Feb 22 18:36:11 1986
Date-Received: Wed, 26-Feb-86 03:43:19 EST
References: <167@axiom.UUCP> <1271@lll-crg.ARpA> <305@unirot.UUCP> <2244@phri.UUCP>
Sender: ables@milano.UUCP
Organization: MCC, Austin, TX
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I have always gone by the first idea mentioned.  If i ask someone out and they
refuse or don't show, I give them the chance to change it, but I don't persist.
I take it as a no.  If things change from there, they will have to initiate it.
That may not be real fair, I guess, but it's the way I've always felt.  Why
should I go ask for a second helping of rejection?

I suppose the people I know aren't really girl-ask-out-guy types... I've
never been asked out (maybe they're trying to tell me something, eh?) but if
I were asked out and declined, I would not feel unfairly burdened if it then
became my responsibility to make a move if I ever changed my mind (maybe at the
time I just didn't feel like starting a new relationship... on any level.. and
later when I did, I'd say "Hey, so-and-so asked me out once and I wasn't up to
it then, I wonder if she'd still like to go out" and call her.
An aside to the first line of this paragraph, I was talking with my sister
who is 18 and a freshman in college about this guy she was just swooning over
(do people still say "swooning??" :-)  ).  She was complaining that he hadn't
asked her out.  I asked what I felt was very logical question: "why don't you
ask him out?"  Boy!  She turned white.  She said "what?!?!?  Ask a guy out?
Are you nuts???"  Hmmm... and I always thought that *I* was the old-fashioned
one!  Ah, well.

As for "relationships," it's about the same.  I not-too-recently received a
"no" and am not trying to persist and make it a "yes."  If she ever changes
her mind and contacts me about it, I'll be "all ears" (depending on what has
happened in the interim, of course).  I assume that no is forever, unless
later redefined by the no-sayer.

I guess the common thread between these two is the person who left the 
negative impression is the one who would change his/her mind and the person
who leaves a positive or hopeful final impression could only be accused of
being a pest if he/she continued to pursue.  If the no-sayer changes his/her
mind, he/she need not necessairly become the pursuER, only hint at the former
pursuer that he/she is ready to become a pursuEE and encourage another try.

The only time this is a problem is when someone plays "hard to get," but I've
always hated it when people did that, anyway.  I'd much prefer people just
react the way they feel instead of playing a bunch of games.  If I'm told to
go away... I will.  If she figures out I'm not going to play the game and
wants to play my way, she'd better come tell me so, 'cause I won't be trying
again on my own.

-King
ARPA: ables@mcc
UUCP: {ihnp4,seismo,ctvax}!ut-sally!im4u!milano!mcc-pp!ables