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From: kaufman@uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Know Your No
Message-ID: <26600163@uiucdcs>
Date: Sat, 22-Feb-86 11:56:00 EST
Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.26600163
Posted: Sat Feb 22 11:56:00 1986
Date-Received: Wed, 26-Feb-86 03:45:44 EST
Lines: 67
Nf-ID: #N:uiucdcs:26600163:000:3648
Nf-From: uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU!kaufman    Feb 22 10:56:00 1986


[no preservatives or artificial flavoring in this line!]

/* Written  9:35 am  Feb 20, 1986 by pooh@unirot.UUCP in uiucdcs:net.singles */

> A close friend and I were discussing what we do if a person we ask
> out says no the first time, or stands us up.  We discovered that
> we both adopt the same practice:  we do not try again, assuming that
> if the other person is really interested, he or she will ask the
> next time.

> What does everyone else think?  If you are told "no" the first time,
> do you give up?  Once you break up with someone, is it over for
> good?  Is "no" forever unless proven otherwise?

> And how do you feel about someone you have said "no" to once who refuses
> to give up?

Wow!  You don't ask easy ones, do you?  This ought to be worth double points.

Suppose for a moment that you are the person who has been rejected.  (You
done with that blood-curdling scream?  Good :-) ) There are a few questions
you can ask yourself:

1)  What were my intentions and relationship to the person prior to the
    propositioning?  At one extreme we have your stereotypical singles bar
    "that person looks cute; I wonder if they'd like a few rolls in the hay."
    In this case, pursuit is probably not worth the bother, and will only
    cause more grief to both parties involved.  On the other hand, what if
    it was somebody you already knew fairly well, and you had a genuine interest
    in getting seriously involved with them?  If you know them well enough,
    you may find it worthwhile to continue pursuing the poor, misguided soul
    who turned you down.  In particular, you may be able to answer:

2)  What were *****'s reasons in turning me down?  Were they something of
    a permanent or a transient nature?  If the latter, the rejectee can
    patiently work to either rectify the situation, or wait till it passes,
    and knowing that these are among the reasons for the rejection, not
    be a bother with repropositioning until they pass.

It would all be good and nice to let the other person make the next move,
but in this world, there are too many people too shy or otherwise conditioned
to do so.  It would be a shame to let a potentially wonderful relationship
never develop because one person was waiting for the other to do the asking,
while it was not in the other person's nature to ask.  (This sentence applies
to general situations too!)  I would suggest letting the other person know
that they have an open invitation until actually revoked, and if possible,
keeping in general, non-offensive contact with them.  This should improve
the odds of somebody figuring out that both sides are receptive to the
earlier proposition.

As for my saying no to someone who persists, I don't know; I haven't had the
dubious privilege of turning that many people down.  (BTW, I once said that
"no" is the dirtiest word in the language.  "Know" is among the best.  Have I
been watching too much "Yellow Submarine?")  I think this brings us
full-circle to the beach question - is it harassment?  Once again, I think
the answer lies in how much control the "harassee" feels (s)he has over
the situation.  Is the persistence becoming a bother, or is it just another
non-obtrusive element in one's life?  In the latter case, the sheer ego-boost
of having someone interested in you may offset the annoyance.

To summarize, I feel that giving up pursuit after one rejection may be a costly
mistake if the person means that much to you.  It is mandatory, however, to
find a non-offensive way of letting this person know you're interested.

Ken Kaufman (uiucdcs!kaufman)
"I am none of them, and I am all of them."