Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Path: utzoo!linus!decvax!decwrl!glacier!hplabs!tektronix!reed!purtell From: purtell@reed.UUCP (Lady Godiva) Newsgroups: net.singles Subject: Re: The "no is forever" doctrine Message-ID: <2583@reed.UUCP> Date: Sun, 23-Feb-86 03:06:22 EST Article-I.D.: reed.2583 Posted: Sun Feb 23 03:06:22 1986 Date-Received: Wed, 26-Feb-86 08:09:21 EST References: <167@axiom.UUCP> <1271@lll-crg.ARpA> <305@unirot.UUCP> <1740@lumiere.UUCP> Reply-To: purtell@reed.UUCP (Lady Godiva) Organization: Reed College, Portland, Oregon Lines: 79 Keywords: the fun of the chase >Pooh writes: > If you are told "no" the first time, > do you give up? Once you break up with someone, is it over for > good? Is "no" forever unless proven otherwise? > > And how do you feel about someone you have said "no" to once who refuses > to give up? I really shouldn't do this, but I'm going to. I've been reading this group through osmosis as it were, and this subject struck home so I thought that for a change of pace I would respond to it and then ride back into the sunset again. When I say "no" I mean "no", 99% of the time. Here is how it breaks down. If it's a chance meeting (someone is trying to pick me up at a bar or party, etc.) I'll always let someone sit down and talk with me. I see no harm in that. However, if the person then asks me for my number, or to go out, etc. I always say what I feel, whether it's "no I'd rather not" "yes I'd love to" or something like "I don't feel that I know you well enough yet, but why not have lunch Dutch-treat sometime?" The reason that I wouldn't say "no" if I really meant "yes" is because if I really wanted to go out with the guy I'd be afraid that he would take me seriously and then I'd miss my chance. There is one definite reason that I've been tempted to say no when I meant yes though. That's "the thrill of the chase". I grew up watching old movies, and I've always dreamed of having a man who was so infatuated with me that even though I constantly rejected him he kept trying to win me over and ended up being so romantic that I couldn't refuse. Just like Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant. But, that of course isn't reality. For one thing I don't look anything like Audrey Hepburn and I've never met anyone who looked like Cary Grant. And it's the knowledge that things just don't generally work out that well that keeps my "no" no and my "yes" yes. I think that that's why there are perpetual flirts like Rick Lindsley mentioned. I've known people like that. They either insinuate that more will happen than they would actually ever do, or are constantly asking you to buy them things and take them out, etc. However, one shouldn't confuse friendliness with flirtation. And it's not to say that flirting is always bad. It's sometimes quite fun. But it's not good when it's something that you always do. I've know men and women like this, and I think the reason most of them do it is that they want attention, and this is their way of going about getting it. They want the chase, but very seldom seem to want to work at a relationship. Now, when people say no to me, I tend to take it at face value. But since we live in a society where the burden to "ask out" or "proposition" still rests mostly on the man, I think that I would have a completely different view of this than a man would. First of all, I don't do that much asking. Secondly, since it's less common for a woman to ask a man it seems to me that it would be less common for a man to be coy (or whatever you want to call it) by giving a "no" when he means yes. There was one time when I actually got the nerve up to proposition someone whom I had known for a very short time. If he had said no, I would certainly have taken it as a no and would never have approached the subject again. As far as breaking up goes, I've never gone back with someone after we had broken up, but we've always remained friends. It certainly doesn't have to be over for good, but so far with me that's always been the case. And, to the final point, when someone keeps up after I've said no. Usually, that begins by being flattering, then it gets annoying. There was one time however when I flat out told someone that I wanted to be nothing more than friends because I wasn't interested in having a relationship with anyone. However, he had the chutzpah to keep trying (in a very non-annoying fashion) anyway, and we did end up going out. So sometimes it's good to keep trying. Well, that's my two cents for this discussion. May it go on its merry way. Share and enjoy - elizabeth g. purtell (Lady Godiva)