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From: john@moncol.UUCP (John Ruschmeyer)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: The "no is forever" doctrine
Message-ID: <175@moncol.UUCP>
Date: Sun, 23-Feb-86 16:13:43 EST
Article-I.D.: moncol.175
Posted: Sun Feb 23 16:13:43 1986
Date-Received: Wed, 26-Feb-86 08:12:29 EST
References: <167@axiom.UUCP> <1271@lll-crg.ARpA> <305@unirot.UUCP>
Reply-To: john@moncol.UUCP (John Ruschmeyer)
Organization: Monmouth College, W. Long Branch, NJ
Lines: 55
Keywords: beyond the initial rejection

In article <305@unirot.UUCP> pooh@unirot.UUCP (Pooh) writes:
>
>A close friend and I were discussing what we do if a person we ask
>out says no the first time, or stands us up.  We discovered that
>we both adopt the same practice:  we do not try again, assuming that
>if the other person is really interested, he or she will ask the
>next time.
>
>What does everyone else think?  If you are told "no" the first time,
>do you give up?  Once you break up with someone, is it over for
>good?  Is "no" forever unless proven otherwise?

As others have suggested, it really depends on the situation. The problem
is that there is almost no such thing as a "simple no". Rather, the no is
usually followed by some excuse (valid, lame, or otherwise). It is this
excuse that determines whether or no we will pursue the question again.

If the excuse is seems valid enough (homework, work, etc.) then I will
probably try again. Eventually, the excuses will continue until I get
frustrated and give up, achieve a certain degree of hokum, or become
increasingly less friendly. (The latter is usually the extreme case.)

There are no's whose excuses do not merit another try. First is the "no,
I'm already seeing someone". This is polite, understandable, and could
still form the basis for a friendship. The other is the piece of pure
hokum- the "no, I have to vacuum the dog" sort of thing. Needless, to say,
this is not worth the retry.

What confuses me the most, however, is the no which seems hiding inside an
otherwise normal yes. What I am referring to is something like the
following:

	Me: Would you like to go out sometime?
	Her: Yes, okay.
	Me: Great. How about dinner and a movie?
	Her: Well, I really don't have time these days as I have two
	     jobs and my position on the Presidential committee
	     investigating the Challenger disaster.
	Me: Oh. Maybe some other time.

A few months ago I made the mistake of pursuing one of these cycles for a
while. (Everything fine in theory, rotten in practice.) I ended with her
suddenly mentioning that she had been seeing someone for a while and that
one of *his* friends was reporting back whenever she was seen with a guy.

Sigh.

-- 
Name:		John Ruschmeyer
US Mail:	Monmouth College, W. Long Branch, NJ 07764
Phone:		(201) 571-3451
UUCP:		...!vax135!petsd!moncol!john	...!princeton!moncol!john
						   ...!pesnta!moncol!john

Give an ape control of its environment and it will fill the world with bananas.