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From: kaufman@uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: The "no is forever" doctrine
Message-ID: <26600167@uiucdcs>
Date: Sat, 1-Mar-86 22:27:00 EST
Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.26600167
Posted: Sat Mar  1 22:27:00 1986
Date-Received: Tue, 4-Mar-86 04:47:54 EST
References: <165@atux01.UUCP>
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Nf-ID: #R:atux01.UUCP:165:uiucdcs:26600167:000:2296
Nf-From: uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU!kaufman    Mar  1 21:27:00 1986


>    I was having a conversation with one of my roomates about this the other
> day. (I happen to be in the "Three's company" situation and have two female
> roomates)  She had a date with a guy and really didn't want to go.  She asked
> me what kind of excuse to use to get out of it.  I told her (from my
> point of view) that she should just come right out and say she didn't want
> to go out with him.  She didn't want to do this because "I don't want to
> hurt his feelings".  I then told her (again from my point of view) that
> excuses hurt more than the truth because it makes me think that the person
> doesn't have enough repect for me as a human being to tell me the truth.

> What are everyone else's thoughts on excuses.  I'm interested to find out.

> Jeff Evans

I always feel the worst in such situations if I feel that I have been lied
to.  I get to guessing the way the person actually feels, and trying to figure
out why she felt the need to lie to me.  Most simply, I feel betrayed.

On the other hand, if somebody directly tells me how little she has me in her
plans, it may sting, but I'm not going to lose any sleep over what's going on.

Perhaps my most painful relevant experience involved one of my closest friends
with whom I was getting closer (albeit in a completely platonic relationship,
if that matters).  She practically vowed close friendship to me one night.
Just a couple of months later, I'd have trouble getting the time of day from
her.  Some things had changed in her life, sure, but I was disappointed that
she didn't have the guts to confront me about things.  When I was able to bring
the matter up with her, she just said something along the lines of "Oh sure,
we'll keep on seeing each other whenever convenient."  Needless to say, it
was never convenient.

What hurt even more was that I was going through a very difficult stage then.
My other two closest friends in the area were moving far away.  The fact that
I was depending on this one even more only served to intensify my feelings.
And her use of evasiveness and excuses and what I feel were a couple of
downright lies only increased my dependence on her presence.  A clean cut
could possibly have helped me avoid this.

Ken Kaufman (uiucdcs!kaufman)
"My feet aren't on backwards, yours are!"