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From: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Newsgroups: net.singles
Subject: Re: Coping with the loss of SO
Message-ID: <2285@utcsri.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 6-Mar-86 13:00:49 EST
Article-I.D.: utcsri.2285
Posted: Thu Mar  6 13:00:49 1986
Date-Received: Thu, 6-Mar-86 13:11:49 EST
References: <575@aesat.UUCP>
Reply-To: ray@utcsri.UUCP (Raymond Allen)
Organization: CSRI, University of Toronto
Lines: 95
Summary: 

In article <575@aesat.UUCP> matt@aesat.UUCP (Matt Hill) writes:
>Back in July '85 after going through a an unwanted parting
>with a SO I decided to subscribe to net.singles (since I 
>qualified for the first time :-).
>
>The separation was very painful for me and I soon found myself
>trying to cope with it in different ways.
>
> [etc.]
>
>How did you cope?
>Has you outlook on life changed?
>How has your opinion of yourself changed?
>
	At the risk of stirring up the cauldron of overcooked topics
(in this case the "responsibility for emotions" discussion) I will
offer my $.02 worth:

	How did I cope?  Well, to be blunt, badly.  The only time
I ever lost an SO whom I had been dating for a number of years I
suffered terribly.  You'll have to pardon me because this was >5 years
ago so most of the details are fuzzy but the only memory of that time I
can recall was the constant "what if?" and "why did I/she do/say/feel
this/that/the other thing?" etcetera mind games that I constantly
played within my own head.

	Be forwarned!  This behavior is truly self-destructive because
by engaging in it you are trying to accomplish something that is
impossible.  You are trying to change the past!

	The way I finally overcame this ugly circle of self-pity
and depression was to get mentally tough with myself and face up
to the realities of the situation.

	First, I had to admit that the situation that is, IS, and
that no amount of wishing or hoping will "bring her back to you".
(NOTE: In my case it WAS "her" so no gender/sexist flames, please!)
You have probably articulated this wish, at least to yourself, many
times, I suspect.  If not, then you may have already realized some things
that I realized later:

	1) The relationship ended as a result of some
tangible incompatabilities between the two of you.  If this isn't true
(i.e. the relationship ended even though both of you had compatible
likes/aspirations/feelings/goals then I admit to bewilderment...Possibly
she left you for someone "better" in which case you are definitely better
off without her.)

	Also, 2) It is necessary to realize that if you really
care for her, then you owe it to her to have the freedom to choose whatever
type of SO (or anything else for that matter) that is best for her.  Even
though you may feel that you are the best SO for her, she may not agree and
you must respect her wishes because it is paramount (I believe) that every
person satisfy their own needs in whatever way they feel is best for them.
Besides, isn't it true that you would rather have someone who also wants you?

	The result of these thoughts upon myself was to develop a new
attitude towards understanding the motivation and behavior of people.
Basically, I feel that humans are goal-seeking entities.  By this I mean
that all people have individual, personal desires to be, do or have
something that is important to them.  If you look at yourself and
you XSO in terms of what each of you wanted, then it may become apparant
what it was that caused the end of the relationship.  You can (hopefully)
take heart in the fact that there were incompatabilities between the two
of you that may have interfered with other personal aspiriations of either
or both of you.

	In conclusion (finally) my guidelines for dealing with people
(including SO's, of course).

	ALWAYS try to understand where a person is "coming from" and,
more importantly, where they are "going to".  Ask yourself if you could
honestly say that your personal attitudes and goals are compatable with
those of the other.  If so, great!  If not, then your compatability with
that person will be limited by the differences between you.

	NEVER try to change or modify ANYONE'S goals.  It just isn't
possible.  The closest you can come to doing this it to try to give a
person a valid argument as to why their own stance may require changing.
Bear in mind, however, that they might not agree with you!

	Finally, NEVER attribute to malice that which can adequately
explained by stupidity (or ignorance).  Most people are not aware of
themselves enough to begin to understand themselves as goal-oriented
individuals.  To do so requires almost brutal honesty with oneself and
this is something that most people (I find) are unwilling to do.  I
find that there are few truly malicious people around.  Most acts of
apparant malice usually result from one person's insensitivity to the feelings
of others.

	Enough for now,  this article will probably heat things up the
the temperature of molten sulfur ... which is appropriate for net.singles.
-- 
Ray Allen  | "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it."
utcsri!ray | - Oscar Wilde as quoted in "Parachutes & Kisses" by Erica Jong