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From: deanh@mako.UUCP (Dean Hill)
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Subject: Awful Pun (Offensive to those who consider puns offensive)
Message-ID: <1038@mako.UUCP>
Date: Wed, 5-Mar-86 17:11:42 EST
Article-I.D.: mako.1038
Posted: Wed Mar  5 17:11:42 1986
Date-Received: Sat, 8-Mar-86 21:29:26 EST
Distribution: net
Organization: Tektronix, Wilsonville OR
Lines: 50

(This is for the one-eyed, one-horned, f-ing purple line eater)

	One of my favorites:

	An aging gentleman, (name), was beginning to become ever more
embarassed by an increasing tendency to break wind at unusual times-
paqrticularly, it seems as he was riding the elevator to his floor on
his way to his office.  The embarassment was beginning to have a large
effect on his day and his outlook.  He found himself dreading going to
work.

	One evening, as he was pondering the issue in the privacy of his
privy, an errant fly landed on his cheek which caused a reflex action 
and his sphincter tightened just as one of these unusually timed actions
occurred.  The pitch was unusually high.  "Eureka!" he exclaimed.  "I may
have found the answer to my problem and I can soften the blow (so to 
speak) of my malady."

	The first few attempts at sphincter-modulation were rather rough
but over the next few weeks of practice in the privacy of his privy he got
to a point of being able rip off very presentable renditions of several
well known tunes.  He was about ready to make his debut!

	The following Monday morning he actually looked forward to going
to work.  He confidently stepped onto the elevator along with the other
people going to work.  Sure enough, he felt one of the previously em-
barassing events coming, puckered up, and quickly ripped off "Flight of
the Bumble Bee".  He received a standing ovation.  (D'ja ever see anyone
sitting in an elevator?  Naaaa, that was a midget.)  The next day it was
"Under the Double Eagle."  To lessen the strain, the next day he cooled
it and went for "One Note Samba."  And so it went.  His spirits picked
up and he liked going to work again.

	One day on the elevator he felt his cue, puckered up, but, much
to his chagrin, all that occurred was a long drawn-out hooonnnnnnnnDDAA-
AAAAA.  Talk about embarassing!  After those virtuoso performances-this?
He mumbled something about laryngitis, stopped the car at the next floor,
got off, and slunk off home to ponder this new happening.  Every time he
felt the cue, he would pucker up but the result was always the same---
hooonnnnnDDAAAAAAAAA.

	He got an appointment with his doctor and went in to see him.  He
carefully explained the (w)hole story and asked the doctor what might be the
cause of his current state.  The doctor got a fresh rubber glove, powdered
his hand and inserted it into the glove with some ceremony.  He asked (name)
to please bend over and quickly went probing. "Aha"..."hmmmmm"..."ohooo"...
"interesting" he said.  "What is it Doc?" (name) asked.  "You have an
abcess on your sphinter" said the doctor.  "Well, what's that got to do with
my not being able to play tunes?"  To which, the doctor replied "It's 
common medical knowledge that abcess will make the fart go honda!"