Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site oucs.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!oucs!jeff From: jeff@oucs.UUCP (Jeff Evans) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: Twelve Days of Christmas Message-ID: <200@oucs.UUCP> Date: Thu, 20-Mar-86 13:50:56 EST Article-I.D.: oucs.200 Posted: Thu Mar 20 13:50:56 1986 Date-Received: Fri, 21-Mar-86 07:01:00 EST Distribution: net Organization: Ohio University, Athens Lines: 301 The real story of the twelve days of Christmas!! 14th December My Dearest John, This morning the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift! Thank you darling with my deepest love and affection always. Yours lovingly Agnes 15th December Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtle doves. I am delighted. They are adorable. All my love. Yours Agnes 16th December Dear John, Oh how extravagent you are! I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. The three french hens are really too much! Love Agnes 17th December Dear John, Yet another present! This time four calling birds. You really are spoiling me. Love Agnes 18th December Dearest John, What a surprise! Today the postman brought me five gold rings, one for each finger. You really are impossible, but I love you. Thank you so much. Your ever loving Agnes 19th December Dear John, When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bleeding great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. So, we're back with the birds again, are we? Where on earth am I supposed to keep them all? The neighbors say they can smell them, and I can't sleep for the noise. Please stop! Cordially Agnes 20th December John, What is this with all these sodding birds? Now I get seven swans a swimming. Is this some sort of goddamn joke or what? The house is full of bird shit and the racket is turning me into a nervous wreck. It's no longer funny. Please stop sending those bloody birds! Agnes 21st December Ok buster, I think I preferred the birds. What the hell an I going to do with eight maids a milking? It was bad enough with all those birds, but now I have eight cows shitting all over the house! Lay off, smart arse! 22nd December Dear shithead, What are you? Some kind of nut! Now I get nine pipers piping, and can they play... all bleeding night they can play, except when they're chasing the maids through the cow shit. The cows keep mooing and treading on the bloody birds and the neighbors are threatening to have me evicted. You'll get yours mate Agnes 23rd December You rotten bastard, Now we get ten ladies dancing. Though how on earth you can call them ladies I don't know. They spend all day balling the pipers! The cows can't sleep and have got diahorrea, my living room is a river of piss and the landlord has declared the building unfit. PISS OFF!!!! Agnes 24th December Listen Twathead, Ok, so now we get eleven lords to leap all over the maids! The pipers spend all day fighting the lords over the crumpet and end up buggering the cows. All the birds are dead and rotting in the shit after being trampled in the orgy, but not before they ate my gold rings. I hop you're satisfied! Crabbit and Ruin and Son Solicitors. 25th December Dear Sir, We are in receipt of your gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling with themselves. We understand that this is merely the latest infliction in your sustained persecution of our client, Miss Agnes Fullbody, who is at present residing in the Happy Hours Nursing Home. We are under instruction to charge you with the destruction of our clients home, sanity and genitals. You are warned not to contact Miss Fullbody, who has given the nursing staff orders to shoot you on sight. A warrant has been issued for your arrest and will be shortly served on you. Please excuse the cow shit on this communication.... -- -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Jeff Evans Computer Science Department Ohio University 423 Morton Hall Athens, Ohio 45701 (614) 594-5438 ihnp4!{amc1,cbdkc1,cbosgd,cuuxb}!oucs!jeff Disclaimer: All words and ideas are my own and not those of Ohio University. They say enough things to keep themselves busy! =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=