Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.2 9/5/84; site gondor.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!cbosgd!ukma!psuvm.bitnet!psuvax1!gondor!schuler From: schuler@gondor.UUCP (David W. Schuler) Newsgroups: net.jokes Subject: 1001 Button Sayings (and then some) Message-ID: <2043@gondor.UUCP> Date: Fri, 21-Mar-86 16:57:41 EST Article-I.D.: gondor.2043 Posted: Fri Mar 21 16:57:41 1986 Date-Received: Sat, 22-Mar-86 22:08:33 EST Reply-To: schuler@gondor.UUCP (David W. Schuler) Organization: Pennsylvania State Univ. Lines: 595 THE INSIDIOUS CALLIGRAPHIC BUTTON CATALOGUE OF DOCTOR FU MANCHU Please store this catalogue in a cool, dry place near a checkbook --* A *-- All power corrupts, but we need electricity--D. W. Jones All roads lead to Amber All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative Amateur Time Lord Ankh if you love Isis Any sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from technology Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic Anything not nailed down is mine. Anything I can pry loose is not nailed down. Are we having fun yet? Artificial Intelligence Ask a silly person, get a silly answer ASK ME I'm shy Assassins do it from behind The average woman would rather have beauty than brains because the average man can see better than he can think --* B *-- Badges? We don't need no stinking badges! Ban the bomb Save the world for conventional warfare Barbarian Bard Be yourself--it's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it Beam me up, Scotty, the elevators don't work Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life here Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry Being sexy is a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it Berserkers do it without thinking Better dead than mellow Better living through alchemy Beware of the Quantum Ducks Quark! Quark! Quark! Blood is thicker than water--and much tastier Bill the Cat Fan Club Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people Born Again Pagan Born Again Virgin Born to shop Built for comfort, not for speed Bureaucrats cut red tape--lengthwise --* C *-- "C" combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language Calm down It's only ones and zeros Campus Crusade for Cthulhu It found me Caution: Contents under pressure Caution: Hungry Dieter May bite if provoked Certified Public Assassin Chaos is King, and Magic is loose in the world Chaotic Amorals have more fun Chaotic Evil means never having to say you're sorry Chem E's make the best heat exchangers Christians do it with grace Cleric A closed mouth gathers no feet Conform, go crazy, or become a writer Conform, go crazy, or become an artist Conquering Russia is a steppe by steppe process Cthulhu Cthucks Cthulhu Lives--in MY refrigerator Cthulhu for President--if you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils Cthulhu Saves--in case he's hungry later Cybermats, why does it have to be cybermats? --* D *-- Damn I'm good Deadly Ninja throwing button Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for it makes them soggy and hard to light Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger Do not throw butts in the urinals, for they are subtle and quick to anger Do you know where your towel is? Don't ask me--I have intermittent memory loss Don't get even--get odd! Don't hate yourself in the morning--sleep till noon Don't just stand there--rub my back! Don't just stand there--scratch my back! Don't panic Don't rush me--I'm dawdling as fast as I can Don't step on my scarf Dragonriders do it in between Druid Dyslexics have more fnu Dyslexics of the world, untie! Together we can trip up the world --* E *-- Eat the rich--the poor are tough and stringy Elf Entropy isn't what it used to be Entropy requires no maintenance! Even barbarians like chocolate chip cookies Every spam is sacred Everyone was born right-handed. Only the greatest overcome it. --* F *-- Fighter Fimbriation is a borderline case The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny The following statement is true. The preceding statement is false. Forecasting is difficult, especially about the future Freedom, Immortality, and the Stars The future exists first in the imagination, then in the will, then in reality --* G *-- Give me that REAL old time religion Isis, Astarte, Diana, Hecate, Demeter, Kali, Danu, Inanna Giving up Catholicism for Lent Go, lemmings, go! Go not to the elves for council, for they will say both no and yes God didn't create the world in seven days--He goofed off for six, then pulled an all-nighter God is real unless declared integer --* H *-- Hackito ergo sum Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia! Half of what I know today will be obsolete in five years--I'd just like to know which half Have an adequate day Have an illuminated day [smiley face pyramid] Have Tardis, will travel Have you hugged your dragon today? The hell with the prime directive--let's kill something Heralds don't pun--they cant He's dead, Jim Of course he's dead--I killed him! Hi! I can't remember your name either Hollow chocolate has no calories Human beings don't live like this --* I *-- I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book. I am not a student of human nature. I am a professor of a far wider academy of which human nature is only a part. I am not a trained killer. I lead trained killers. I am the Imp of the Perverse (knowing this won't help you either) I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater I can't be overdrawn--I still have checks left! I didn't know it was impossible when I did it I don't believe in no-win scenarios I don't have to take this abuse from you--I've got hundreds of people waiting to abuse me I don't practice what I preach because I'm not the kind of person I preach to I have not lost my mind--I know exactly where I left it I have not lost my mind--it's backed up on tape somewhere I haven't exactly lost it--it's been temporarily mislaid I haven't lost it--it's been temporally mislaid I know karate, kung fu, and 47 other dangerous words I know where my towel is I never spit in your drink--why do you smoke in my air? I think, therefore I am, I think I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed I thought YOU silenced the guard! What guard? Fool! I am the guard! I used to be sane, but I got better I warn you not to underestimate my powers I will continue to be an impossible person as long as those who are now possible remain possible I will not be pushed, filed, indexed, briefed, debriefed, or numbered I am not a number! I am a free man! If all the economists in the world were laid end to end, they'd point in different directions If God hadn't wanted me to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given me such a vivid imagination If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out of you If life hands you a lemon, clove it! If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer chinese food immediately If the wearer of this button shows any signs of depression, administer chocolate immediately If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage If you are willing to die, you can do anything If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse can happen to either of you for the rest of the day If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3% I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times to make sure I'm a citizen of the universe, and a gentleman to boot! I'm a game master--it's lonely at the top I'm a knight errant, not an arrant fool! I'm apathetic and I don't care I'm just looking at your nametag, honest! I'm mad as hell and I won't take it any more I'm not a fan I just read the stuff I'm not loafing I work so fast I'm always finished I'm not on drugs. I am drugs. I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm not going I'm not tense, just terribly alert I'm not unemployed--I'm looking for the perfect job I'm pink, therefore I'm spam I'm sorry, my karma ran over your dogma Immoral Minority charter member Incorrigible Punster do not incorridge Incorrigible Romantic Indecision is the basis of flexibility Insanity is hereditary--you get it from your kids Invertebrate punster Spinelessly unable to resist a pun So slug me Is the surface of a planet the right place for an expanding industrial civilization? Is there really a United States, of just a bunch of people pretending? It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution It's never too late to have a happy childhood It's not a bug--it's an undocumented feature It's not a dungeon--it's fortified underground defense installation It's not easy being this cute It's not my FAULT It's not the principle of the thing, it's the money It's you and me against the world--when do we attack? I've been seduced by the chocolate side of the Force I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand I've had fun before. This isn't it. --* J *-- Jeez if you love honkus Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you --* K *-- Kamikaze Chemist Kick ass now--take names later Kill them all--let God sort them out Kiss me--I'm not Irish, but don't let that stop you Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either --* L *-- Ladies' sewing circle and terrorist society Lawful Game Master--and I pick the laws Laws are made to be broken Lead me not to temptation--I can find it for myself League of Bloodthirsty Women League of Pushy Women Self-appointed Chapter Head The less you bother me, the sooner you get results Let's split up--we can do more damage that way Life...don't talk to me about life Life is a sandwich--and it's always lunchtime Life is much too complicated in the morning Life's a bitch--and then you die The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon ___ lim V 3 = 2 3->4 Live Lent in the fast lane The little engineer that could Live now--procrastinate later Love is missing someone even when they're with you --* M *-- Magic User Magic users have crystal balls Make things as simple as possible, but no simpler Many of the truths we cling to are greatly the result of our own point of view Mathematician: a machine for converting coffee into theorems The meek will inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars Mercifully free of the ravages of intelligence Migratory lifeform with a tropism for bookstores Migratory lifeform with a tropism for parties A mind is a wonderful thing to waste Mobile non-smoking area Money is its own reward Money is the root of all evil--and a man needs roots The moral majority is neither More hit points than you can possibly imagine Mostly harmless Murphy was an optimist! Murphy's Law only fails when you try to demonstrate it My life may be strange, but at least it's not boring My mind is made up, don't confuse me with facts Masty, brutish, and short --* N *-- A neat desk is a sign of a sick mind The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one/the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many [on yin-yang] Neutral Greedy Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity Never let your schooling interfere with your education Never make anything simple and efficient when it can be complex and wonderful Never play leapfrog with a unicorn Never tell me the odds--numbers confuse me Never trust a smiling game master Never try to teach a pig to sing. It only wastes your time and annoys the pig. Nice computers don't go down Nice computers only go down once a day No matter where you go, there you are No one expects the spammish repetition Spam! Spam! Spam! Spam! No Smoking Oxygen in use Nobody can fix the economy Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button Nobody's perfect VOTE FOR NOBODY Not quite human any longer Not tonight Chekov, I have an earache Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious Nothing is impossible for anyone impervious to reason Nothing shocks me--I'm a scientist Now is not a good time to annoy me Nuke the baby seals for Jesus Nuke the Smurfs Nuke the whales Nuke'em till they glow, the shoot'em in the dark --* O *-- Objectivity is in the eye of the beholder Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. After a while you run out of air to push against. Oh, God. I'm so depressed. Oh, no. Not again. On, no, not another learning experience! Old mercenaries never die. They just go to hell and regroup. One day I shall burst my bud of calm and blossom forth into hysteria Only borrow from pessimists--they don't expect to be paid back Only lefties are in their right minds Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him The only winning move is not to play [picture of mushroom cloud] Other people's property comes naturally to me --* P *-- Pagan and Proud Pagan Missionary Paladin Paladins do it good or not at all Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one Peace through superior firepower Peace through superior swordplay Penguin Lust Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! Pipers do it with Amazing Grace Poets make better lays Possessor of a mind not merely twisted but actually sprained Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth Punslinger --* Q *-- Question Authority Question Authority--ask me anything --* R *-- The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet Rampaging anarchist horde and floating beer party Ranger Real men write self-modifying code Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand. Reality is a crutch for people who can't deal with science fiction Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle buttons Renegade Time Lady Renegade Time Lord Resistance is useless (if less than 1 ohm) Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow --* S *-- Scottish country dancers are reel people Serenity through viciousness Sex is only dirty if it's done right Share and Enjoy Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up! Push down! Byte! Byte! Byte! The shortest distance between two puns is a straight line A silver tongue, a golden touch, and a mink like a steel trap Smile! Cthulhu loves you Smile if you are Jesus Smurf exterminator Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering Spending a year dead for tax purposes Support free trade--smuggle! Support your local thieve's guild--leave your doors unlocked SUSHIDO the way of the tuna --* T *-- Take me home--furry people need love too Teacher from the Black Lagoon Techno Pagan That which does not kill me makes me smarter That's odd. That's very odd. Wouldn't you say that's very odd? There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own cats. There are only 2000 real people in the world; the rest are bad special effects There are very few personal problems which can't be solved by a suitable application of high explosives There is no substitute for good manners except fast reflexes There is no TRUTH There is no REALITY There is no CONSISTENCY There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong There isn't time enough for love, so what does that leave for hate? There's a dance in the old girl yet They'll take away my sword when they pry my cold dead fingers off the hilt Thief Think "HONK" if you're a telepath Think of it as evolution in action This button boldly goes where no button has gone before This button is right side up--the person wearing it has flipped This isn't reality. This is fantasy. This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do Those who dance are thought mad by those who hear not the music Those who live by the nit, die by the nit Those whom the gods would destroy, they first teach Basic To iterate is human, to recurse divine Trust me --* U *-- UFO's are real--the Air Force is swamp gas! Ultimate Question Research Team Under the most carefully controlled conditions of temperature, density, and pressure, the organism will do what it damn well pleases The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude Unicorns aren't mythical--virgins are! The universe does not have laws--it has habits, and habits can be broken Uppity Women Unite --* V *-- Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force 1990-1951 --* W *-- Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser Wandering punster Want a jelly baby? Warning: GM whimsical when bored Warning: Whimsical when bored Warning: This person reads fantasy and is and avid denier of reality Watch out! I'm striking a significant Kirby pose! We both have the same problem--you We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! We could really bust some heads, in a spiritual sense of course We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What does a sacred chao say? MU! What could possibly go wrong? What's the good of being grown-up if you can't be childish? When Cthulhu calls, he calls collect When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you could be impossible? Why can't you be unique and original like everybody else? Why did Douglas Hofstadter cross the road? To make this riddle possible Woad Warrior Worst-dressed sentient being in the known universe Would it save you some time if I just gave up and went mad now? --* Y *-- Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much of your time reading buttons You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to swim on his back, you've got something You bash the Balrog, I'll climb the tree You were TOLD not to feed me after midnight You'll find I'm full of surprises You knew the job was dangerous when you took it You know better than to trust a strange computer --* NUMBERS *-- 1.79e12 furlongs per fortnight--it's not just a good idea, it's the law 186,000 mps; It's not just a good idea, it's the law 2.998e10 cm/sec It's not just a good idea, it's the law 2 + 2 = 5, for moderately large values of two 42 The answer to life, the universe, and everything 43% of all statistics are worthless --* PICTURES *-- +----------+ +--------------+ V | +---------+ V | /\ | | I think | /\ | / \ | +--+------+ / \ | / \ | | ^ / \ yes +--+---+ / Does \ yes | V | / I \------->| I am | / this \------+ +----+-+ \ think/ +------+ \ program/ | I am | \ / \ halt?/ +------+ \ / \ / \/ \ / | \/ V |no +-------+ V | stop | +-------+ +-------+ | stop | +-------+ This catalog is current as of February, 1985 For a current catalog, please contact: Nancy Lebovitz 400 Wollaston Ave. C6 Newark, DE 19711 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ DISCLAIMER: I have posted this catalog as ENTERTAINMENT, and as a service to network users. I have NO connection whatsoever with Ms. Lebovitz. I just enjoy her buttons. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ David W. Schuler UUCP: ihnp4!psuvax1!gondor!schuler BITNET: schuler@psuvaxg.bitnet CSNET: schuler%gondor.uucp@penn-state.csnet USNAIL: Penn State, 602 Sproul Bldg., University Park, PA 16802-2091 MABELL: +1 814 862-6685 ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Are you a turtle? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ And, as a final note, always remember: BEWARE OF THE QUANTUM DUCKS! Quark! Quark! Quark!