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From: hopp@nbs-amrf.UUCP (Ted Hopp)
Newsgroups: net.kids
Subject: Re: Wanted: Helpful hints, punishment other than spanking (18mo old)
Message-ID: <184@nbs-amrf.UUCP>
Date: Thu, 6-Mar-86 23:12:17 EST
Article-I.D.: nbs-amrf.184
Posted: Thu Mar  6 23:12:17 1986
Date-Received: Mon, 10-Mar-86 00:24:11 EST
References: <772@blade.UUCP>
Distribution: net
Organization: National Bureau of Standards
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> My 19 month old son has been spanked in the past for many things.  To
> clarify spanked i mean an open handed slap to his diappered bottom.  I
> did read many articles here that convinced me not to spank but i still
> have found myself doing it.
> 
> Recently i have noticed that my son has become aggressive, when
> something happens that he doesnt like he hits.  this upsets me greatly
> and has me seriously considering the affects of spanking.  Lately i have 
> started to use his crib as a threat eg. stop that or your going in your crib.
> It works at times but in general has not been effective.
> 
> Please share some ways you find effective.  i cant ever remember seeing
> these alternate means of punishment in the articles against spanking.
> i will admit its been a few months since i have read netnews.
> 
> sindi wisse,  bellcore!sabre!siw , ihnp4!siw, 201-758-2130

Our son (25 months) started to become aggressive at about 19 or 20 months
in much the same way you describe.  I think hitting is one of the ways
kids will deal with frustration on their own.  I don't think that spanking
can be blamed for this, at least exclusively.  We have never spanked Aaron,
but he went through a stage where hitting and kicking things (including
himself) was his standard way of expressing anger.  He still does it some,
but nowhere near as much.  (Actually, he's getting quite talented at
temper tantrums.  I suppose that's better :-).)

Our feeling is that his emotional outbursts are the only way he knows of
expressing what's inside him.  If that's not acceptable to us, our job
is to help him learn new techniques.  First of all, we make it clear
that hitting is not acceptable.  Then we tell him that we know he is
angry (or frustrated or, that marvelous catch-all, "upset").  What else
we do depends on the situation.  We may help him deal with something he
is having a hard time with (putting on his jacket, etc.).  A frequent
problem is that he wants to do something we don't want him doing.  After
telling him, "No, the chair is not for standing," we help him accept
that by suggesting something else he might find interesting.  We often
still have to help him understand that he is angry and that we know it
before he is willing to do something else.  It's amazed at times how
much it calms him down that we tell him we understand something of what
he's feeling.

As far as outright punishment goes, I think it should fit the crime.  (If
he insists on abusing something, he can't continue to play with it.)  We
don't view Aaron's hitting out of frustration or anger as something
to punish him for, but an indication that he has no better way to deal
with his emotions.  We may want to ship him off to the crib where he
can't do much harm and will be out of our hair (and punished with
solitary confinement), but I can't think of any situations where that
somehow "fits the crime."  On the contrary, it would teach him that the
crib is a prison, and I certainly don't want him to be thinking that when
we put him down for the night.

-- 

Ted Hopp	{seismo,umcp-cs}!nbs-amrf!hopp