Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: Notesfiles $Revision: 1.7.0.10 $; site uiucdcs Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxt!houxm!ihnp4!inuxc!pur-ee!uiucdcs!dolske From: dolske@uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU Newsgroups: net.kids Subject: Re: teens Message-ID: <41400003@uiucdcs> Date: Sat, 8-Mar-86 15:00:00 EST Article-I.D.: uiucdcs.41400003 Posted: Sat Mar 8 15:00:00 1986 Date-Received: Wed, 12-Mar-86 02:30:35 EST References: <2009@uwmacc.UUCP> Lines: 56 Nf-ID: #R:uwmacc.UUCP:2009:uiucdcs:41400003:000:3231 Nf-From: uiucdcs.CS.UIUC.EDU!dolske Mar 8 14:00:00 1986 On reading about the "problem" you feel you might have with your daughter, my first response was to answer you on how I felt about it. But, I came up with an idea that I feel may be of more help to you and your daughter. I am going to let my oldest daughter, who is 18, respond instead. Her ideas are her own and not necessarily mine. Here is her reply: "As a responsible 18 year old girl, I feel that my opinions may be helpful. The worried mother tells little of her daughter's behavior and attitudes as a whole. Also, how long have she and her boyfriend been seeing one another? Anyway, my advice is this: There are basically two kinds of teenage girls. There are some, like myself and my fourteen year old sister, who are intelligent, mature, and moral as far as "boys and sex," drugs, and alcohol go. We are responsible in the sense that we don't have sex, not in the sense that we take precautions first. Two young people can get "close" without sex. (Speaking to the mother) If your daughter is this type of person, (and you will have no doubts, if she is), then the worst thing you can do is degrade her by assumptions. DO NOT go to her and say "Well, I see you two are becoming close, so I 'assume' you will be thinking about sex, and I 'assume' you will proceed without birth control unless I tell you otherwise." If anything, show your daughter that you are not the enemy, but, indeed, the helpful mother. Welcome the boy over and make their relationship a calm one with the family, and if a problem should arise, communication will be open. If your daughter starts to feel that, in your eyes, close relationships are wrong, she will go behind your back and communications will suffer. SEX DOES NOT DEFINE A CLOSE RELATIONSHIP. On the other hand, over one-half of the girls I have known are not responsible and mature. Other kids refer to them as "sluts." They see no wrong in a little good sex (or a lot for that matter) and are usually enjoying a rebellious period in their life. Some are hopeless and talking to them is a pathetic waste of time. It is enough to just throw some birth control their way, and hope they'll, at least, use it. I don't believe your daughter fits under this category since you say she is 16 and just now getting into a close relationship. Perhaps a good book for her would be helpful. Don't say "Here is a book on birth control -- you will probably need it soon." If anything find a book written for teens that answers all questions about sex, boys, etc. so that she won't feel that you are hinting or assuming something. Tell her that a friend of yours suggested it and that you'd wished you'd had one when you were her age because it is sometimes difficult to speak to parents concerning sex. Tell her to never feel embarrassed or ashamed to come to you with any questions and problems because together you can work them out. Leave the lines of communication open and then leave well enough alone. Teens have enough pressures without a parent's nose down their backs. Show that you CARE, not that you SUSPECT. If you have any other questions, please feel free to throw them my way. I am majoring in child psychology and take great interest in helping others."