Relay-Version: version B 2.10 5/3/83; site utzoo.UUCP Posting-Version: version B 2.10.PCS 1/10/84; site mtuxo.UUCP Path: utzoo!watmath!clyde!burl!ulysses!mhuxr!mhuxn!ihnp4!drutx!mtuxo!smuga From: smuga@mtuxo.UUCP (j.smuga) Newsgroups: net.kids Subject: Re: Wanted: Helpful hints, punishment other than spanking (18mo old) Message-ID: <1392@mtuxo.UUCP> Date: Tue, 11-Mar-86 18:28:25 EST Article-I.D.: mtuxo.1392 Posted: Tue Mar 11 18:28:25 1986 Date-Received: Thu, 13-Mar-86 07:42:53 EST References: <772@blade.UUCP> Organization: AT&T Information Systems Labs, Holmdel NJ Lines: 66 > > Please share some ways you find effective. i cant ever remember seeing > these alternate means of punishment in the articles against spanking. > i will admit its been a few months since i have read netnews. > > sindi wisse, bellcore!sabre!siw , ihnp4!siw, 201-758-2130 I'm glad someone asked. Seems to me the recent discussion of spanking has focused altogether too much emphasis on punishment to the exclusion of other ways of raising children who are well-behaved, helpful and generally a pleasure to live with. Let me begin by saying I've learned from mistakes as well as success. When my two children were an infant and a toddler, when I changed diapers all day and was wakened at night, my patience wore thin and I often lost my temper. No good, for the children or for me. Spankings and scoldings just left them unhappy and me feeling rotten. Now, for techniques that do work: Teach them. Before we ever get to the point where they are doing wrong, show them what's right. I have done this in many ways. With a toddler, pantomime helps; I touched the (cold) stove and pretended to be hurt (a little), meanwhile repeating "hot!" When the kids were a little older, stories helped; both cautionary tales and stories of people who did the right thing. Rehearsals worked well for us too; several times before my daughter's first visit to the dentist, we played out the scene, so she knew both what to expect and what would be expected of her. And before we entered a new situation, it helped if I told my kids *exactly* what behavior I wanted; *not* "be good" in the movie theater, but "while we're in the theater we won't speak to each other. We can talk about the movie after it's over. If you really need to tell me something, whisper." Prevention. Don't give them the opportunity to be bad. This works when you can anticipate some forbidden behavior. For instance, my toddler was jealous when I nursed, and sometimes wanted to smack the baby's head. Knowing that, I tried to (a) keep her occupied with something else at that time, (b) provide another outlet for the hostility ("punch your pillow, HARD") or (c) if all else failed, simply hold back her hand. In general, try to get rid of an attractive nuisance and avoid situations your child can't handle well yet. Don't go shopping with a hungry child at five in the afternoon. I've found time-outs to be effective. The child tends to view it as a punishment; I use it as a cooling-down period for the child. I reward with praise, hugs, affection and attention. Now that my kids are more grown up (7 and 9) they've found out that it's more fun to help out a little around the house and have happy parents than it is to be lazy and have us grumpy at them. I've never had much success with handing out gold stars or other rewards. And, above all, listen. Listen attentively, actively, and resist the impulse to tell a child what to do and how to do it until you're sure you've really heard what the child has to say. Very often the solution suggests itself to the child or to both of you during the conversation. (This, of course, is for children old enough to express themselves well.) A solution the child helps to create needs much less enforcement from the parent. -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Janet Smuga I've had a great many troubles in my time, ihnp4!mtuxo!smuga and most of them never happened. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -